Say, you like treating your body like an amusement park, right? Sure you do! It’s the reason we all have dongs and lady dongs, whatever those may be. But is there some secret to what rubber or plaster widget makes your gitch twitch? Is there a hidden language of love? A special sauce on …this paragraph makes no sense. Let’s see what your favorite sex toy says about you. Taco fanatic and all around good person Amanda suggested this idea to us on the online internet. Isn’t that great?
What it is: A butt plug is a plug for your butt, cleverly named for that fact. Generally they’re tapered, so you can ease it in and then you get uncomfortable, then really uncomfortable, then pop, a narrow bottom part so your little pucker closes down over it and, sho nuff, your butt is plugged.
What it Says About You: As a fan of ass stuffing, you probably enjoy a touch of degradation and maybe you have an issue with eating too much fiber. Or not enough.
Good Ol’ Fashioned Dildo
What it is: It’s a penis or penis shaped object made from rubber or latex, or in this new fangled era even glass or some kind of crazy other substance like metal or slate or something.
What it Says About You: You enjoy pleasure, but not a lot. Like you could live without it and you probably would be OK and maybe just read the Family Circus instead. Alternately you really don’t have the time to get off probably, so you just fit it in (so to speak) in between episodes of Pawn Stars.
What it is: As you may have guessed, this little thing is often egg shaped, sometimes bullet shaped, and it vibrates. Ladies put them inside themselves, I hear.
What it Says About You: You’re a bit of a freak, but practical at the same time. You probably get off at work without making a sound because you don’t care about other people’s discomfort.
What it is: A highly advanced dick mitten shaped like any number of amusing orifices and potentially modeled after a specific orifice.
What it Says About You: You’re qualified to work for Holy Taco
What it is: The most simple and shameful of all sex toys, the massager is just a vibrating tool that can arguably be used to massage sore muscles. Yeah, right.
What it Says About You: You think you’re not perverted. You are mistaken.
Ben wa Balls
What it is: Rather cumbersome, large spheres held together with some manner of string or cord, made from any number of wonderful materials like metal, plastic or sexstone.
What it Says About You: You enjoy having your orifices stuffed on the bus or during lunch meetings. You would be good at blackmailing people.
What it is: A tiny, powerful vibrator not particularly designed to look like anything at all. Often resembles a little lip stick or some such.
What it Says About You: You don’t need frills and gimmicks to get off, just a steady vibration and some decent batteries.
Blow Up Doll
What it is: An inflatable toy purported to be shaped like a woman, but typically only in the most rudimentary way
What it Says About You: You’re despicable.
What it is: A cone. For wherever you can fit it.
What it Says About You: You’re the kind of person who puts cones in their holes. So let’s party.