Of all the stage shows in all the world, from burlesque to River Dance to Vagina Monologues to dudes painting with their own feces, nothing is more tragic and hard to sit through than a ventriloquist act. It’s a grown human being with a hand in the ass of a toy, pretending it can talk. And generally it cracks wise while the real human plays the straight man , to a chunk of wood.
Contrary to what Jeff Dunham fans may tell you, ventriloquism isn’t funny. It’s the comedy equivalent of passing a stone, if the stone talked to you in a goofy version of your on voice as it’s on the way out. That’s not to besmirch those who choose ventriloquism as a career path, the world needs ventriloquists just like it needs guys who artificially inseminate bears, guys who clean poop off of public toilet floors and guys who make out with goats. We need them right? The internet seems to think so.
Anyway, if you’re a ventriloquist yourself, don’t despair. It’s not like you’re Hitler, right? Like it sort of is, but not that grand scale. Still, you’re mostly human and it’s worth gaining some insight into the real you. So let’s see what your choice of dummy, the face of your inner self, says about you.
The Crotchety Old Asshole
What it Says About You: You want to seem mild mannered while trying to find an innocent outlet for your feelings of racism, sexism and homophobia. You probably have a dartboard at home with pictures of your enemies tacked to it. You masturbate when you’re angry. You are probably a serial killer.
Mary-Lou Nightmare Fuel
What it Says About You: You’re a little left of center, you’ve chosen a female dummy, or at least one modeled after a teenage boy from 1983, which is much the same thing. You’re quirky and fun in your own head but most people find your collection of Hummel figurines offputting and your perfume makes them think of death. You’re a lot like that indefinable quality that ensures some women grow old and alone having never had sex. You’re probably a serial killer.
What it Says About You: You want to be hip and trendy, but you’re a ventriloquist. It’s like grandma with the wooden leg trying to be a porn star. Sure, it could happen, doesn’t mean anyone will like it and those that do should be viewed questionably at best. You are probably a serial killer.
Spacey-Eyed Retro Terror
What it Says About You: You enjoy nostalgia and consider what you do an art form. Know who else considers what they do an art form when it’s really not? Serial killers. You probably are one.
The Armadillo Leper Peasant
What it says About You: You are a leper and you like armadillos as they enhance your peasant lifestyle. You are probably a serial killer.
What it Says About You: This sad sack, with his rosy cheeks and doofus expression, is is the dummy of choice for the closet Tourette’s suffering. This thing will spew vulgarities like a stevedore on mescaline. This, in turn, means you have been living with rage issues since childhood and have never found an even remotely same means of dealing with them. Serial killer? Probably.
The Serial Killer
What it Says About You: You like to brood and be moody. You wear black a lot and think Marilyn Manson is a poser and a sell out. You’re the funny guy in your group of social misfits, which is like being the handsome one on the burn ward. You tried to impress goth chicks by being dark and mysterious but since you turned to ventriloquism, we know how that worked. You have the Twilight Zone on DVD. However, as this is all your faÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â§ade in an effort to appear dark, it may therefore be ironic that you don’t have the initiative to be a serial killer.
Nature’s Little Mistake
What it Says About You: you’ll never make a dummy that looks real, what would be the point? But that doesn’t mean you can’t stick to established norms. One such norm is not to make one that looks like this gangly circus person on Neil Patrick Harris’ knee. While certain sex offenders and people with brain trauma might find its visage endearing, to the rest of the world you’re proudly stating where you stand in terms of serial killings. Namely, you’re for them.
What it Says About You: You were raised with wholesome core values and now you want to skewer them, but not too bad because you don’t want to rock the boat. After all, when serial killers rock the boat, they get caught.
What it Says About You: You couldn’t give less of a shit if you tried. You would actually need someone else’s help to give less of a shit that the whole world is not comfortable in your presence. And they aren’t. And you don’t even need this hideous dummy to make them feel that way, because all by yourself you’re already giving off a vibe that makes people think “AAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!! And there’s little doubt that, once that person was done helping you, you’d dismember them in your pristine basement dismemberment laboratory, which you modeled after the dismemberment hut behind your dismemberment shack in the mountains.
What it Says About You: You’re a huge doucher.