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What’s in Store for Your Favorite Walking Dead Character This Season?

It’s a brand new season of the Walking Dead and that means one cool zombie per every 5 episodes or Lori whining and Carl wandering.  No wait, I’m being cynical.  Let’s be open minded.  This season has the prison, Michonne and the Governor, for those who know what any of those mean.  If you don’t, then you may be in for a treat.  As long as no one screws it up.

The survivors have gone through a lot already, so what new twists can be in store, especially since the show seems to only be somewhat inspired by the source material?  After watching the season premier, I have some ideas of what’s ahead!  Let’s look!

Rick – It’s a good bet that for most of this season Rick is going to need a shave.  Is he going to grow a full on beard?  No.  But he will be stubbly with that perma 5 o’clock shadow that’s so popular on TV these days.  It’s a weird side effect of the zombie apocalypse.

Rick is under a lot of pressure – the world ended, the dead rise and he still has the worst wife ever.  Can you imagine? The world ends, nearly everyone dies, you wake from a coma and discover Lori is still your wife.  And she banged your best friend.  Because of course she did.  Nothing can be more frustrating than that, so expect Rick to lose his cool even more this season.  You got a taste at the end of season , this shit is a Ricktatorship, and it’s going to get worse so long as his shrill, totally unhelpful wife is making his terrible life even more terrible.

Carl – Was Carl dropped on his head as a baby?  If the world is overrun with zombies, why would you continue to just stroll about the countryside?  Carl may be zombie Rain Man.  This season expect him to do everything you wouldn’t do because you’re not a moron.

Hi-ya!

Lori – Thought you could trick me didn’t you?  Well good try.  Lori is obviously no one’s favorite character so who cares what she’s up to?  Maybe some whining?  Yeah.

T-Dog – There’s no guarantee that the producers of this show are racist, but why is it all T-Dog does, aside from have a vaguely insulting “white guy who named a black character” name is screw shit up?  He spent most of last season being injured and bungling around like Shaggy without Scooby.  This season you can look forward to him maybe having some lines in more than 50% of the episodes.  Don’t be surprised if he dies though because if there were a meter of expendability, leave it to this loser to be at the top.

Glenn – Everyone loves Glenn because he is affable.  I looked that word up.  Just kidding, I was an English major so I already knew it and have it on a word of the day calendar from 1996.  That said, Glenn is the most likeable character in the show, which is to say he’s one of the few non assholes.  You actually want him to live.  Does that mean he’ll die?  Nah, not yet.  His death (which you must understand is inevitable, as it is for everyone on the show) will be a power moment in a later season.  This season he’ll just get victimized a lot.  Bad things happen to Glenn, but not death.

Maggie – Glenn’s lady friend has been mostly forgettable so far.  Expect that to continue because there’s a lot of characters on this show and it mostly focuses on Rick and his shrill wife so there’s not a lot of time for people like Maggie.  She’ll probably shoot a zombie, run all scared for a bit and be put in peril to heighten some drama at some point.  Is she going to die?  Maybe, I ain’t psychic.

Andrea – Last season Andrea got separated from the main group then ran into Michonne, a lawyer with a samurai sword and a pet zombie on a chain.  I know, right?  Makes total sense.  So Andrea will not die and will continue her petulant, tough-girl crap for a while until everyone gets together again and maybe she’ll be pissy at everyone who left her behind.  I would be.  Zombie’s be damned, don’t drive off and leave me surrounded by the undead, you assholes.

Daryl – Daryl looks perpetually like an unwashed rodent, it’s his lot in life.  This season he’s likely to continue his run as one of the only competent people in the world, but he’s also moody.  Like he gets PMS, so maybe he’ll have a breakdown again this season.  Maybe when his brother returns, because you know he will.  Somehow that one handed son of a bitch survived and he’ll be back and shit will go down.

Michonne – She’s brand new, she has a sword, she drags a zombie behind her on a chain and she has attitude problems.  Of course she’ll be a fan favorite.  Why is a lawyer running around with a sword and a zombie on a chain?  It will literally never be properly explained because, and I can only guess this, the writer just thought it was cool and that was as far as it went.

If you read the comics you’re aware of the insanity that should await Michonne, but obviously none of that will happen on AMC.  This channel won’t even show boob or say shit, so obviously Michonne’s future is toned down.  Just expect her to kill a lot of stuff and, since T-Dog is the only other black character, he will be attracted to her.  Just watch.  Unless Tyrese shows up…somehow.

Hershel – Sadly outliving his usefulness as the old, kind of square dude with a sometimes level head and sometimes just an obstinate shit, Hershel’s time is limited.  Honestly, he’s old, what were you expecting?

Michael Rooker is almost 60, who is he kung fuing here?

Merle – You remember Merle, right? He’s Daryl’s brother.  He’s going to show up again sometime, but where and how and with what covering his stumpy hand? They put him in the promo art and it loks like a stump protector.  Who makes those?  Time will tell, but it’ll be some kind of conflict scene with his brother.  I suspect Daryl will have to kill him.  As an aside, has Michael Rooker ever not played an asshole?

The Rest – No one cares about anyone else.  Who did I overlook, anyway?  Hershel’s other daughter?  If she has a name, you and I don’t care about it.

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