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What’s the Deal with the Addams Family?

The Addams Family have been a Halloween staple for years. The comic strip originally appeared in the New Yorker, which might explain why you don’t like it, and was meant to be a satirical take on the American family.  See, cuz they’re weird and you’re not.  Get it?  No? Shut your mouth.

The problem with the Addams family, especially as presented in their two feature films which are how much people under the age of 40 know them these days, is that they’re utterly incomprehensible.  The Munsters were at least monsters.  What’s the deal with the Addams family?  I got your back.

Gomez Addams

I assume Gomez is Hispanic?  Maybe half Hispanic.  Raul Julia was born in Puerto Rico, but of course he also played M Bison in the Streetfighter movie and Bison was supposed to be Thai, as far as I know.   Whatever the case, he apparently has a real boner for the French language, he dresses like Hugh Hefner all the time and he’s rich for reasons I can’t recall ever being explained.   Basically he’s what happens if you cross Quagmire from Family Guy with the Dos Equis guy and then make him live in a cemetery.

Morticia Addams

I’ve never been able to decide if Morticia is a vampire or just the world’s lamest goth girl who never grew out of that phase like a normal person.  Is her legal name Morticia?  Were her parents that awful? Gomez is a shitty name but it doesn’t invoke a sense of embalming.

Wednesday

Trying to separate the actress from the role in this case is hard, as this is what made Christina Ricci a household name. Later she grew boobs and moaned with  a black snake and whatnot and we all felt confused.  That said, Wednesday is a terrible name and its no wonder the kid displays rampant sociopathy.

Pugsley

The more I think about it the more similarities I see between Family Guy and the Addams’, but those are probably just oft-repeated tropes in comedy.  In this case, fat and stupid is funny.  The Griffins have a fat and stupid son, so too d the Addams.  Except the Addams have the added twist of being immortal or at least quite immune to the horrors that should befall them at all times which is good for Puglsey because, as the fat, stupid kid he’s bound to experience a lot of awfulness.

Fester

What the hell is Fester? Is he ill?  He has no hair, that could be male pattern baldness or it could be parasite overload.  The fact that he was so uncomfortably played by Christopher Lloyd didn’t change matters.  He has a constant look on his face suggesting that he’s pooping.  Always pooping, but always because of a food-borne illness.  Like maybe he drinks ditch water in Africa a lot.

Cousin It

Cousin It doesn’t have a lot to do with the family, he’s just a sight gag really but for what it’s worth he’s just hair.  Like four feet of hair.  I like to think if you steam a Yeti this is what you’d get.  So I guess I’m saying Cousin It is steamed yeti.

Lurch

Lurch is the family butler and I would argue that means he shouldn’t be related to the family so they somehow tapped yet another gene pool to get this Frankensteinian lump into the house to do a monumentally slow, terrible job as a butler.  He butles like old people hump, it’s pretty unimpressive.  The bodyless hand opens the door half the time, what’s Lurch’s job?  Sure ain’t cleaning.

Grandmama

In the movies, Grandma is Morticia’s mom and she seems to be a witch, but also an old crank of some kind.  The worst kind of old crank is one who has mastered witchcraft.  That’s abhorrent.  Usually crusty ladies steal your Frisbees and shit, but a witch can steal your Frisbee and then make you impotent.  Gods, no one needs that.  On the upside, Granny here is the only explicitly supernatural character in the entire main family.  How’d hat happen?

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