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When Amusement Rides Attack!

Carnies Header

If I told you the car you were driving was put together by a gypsy who fingered his family members, smelled like booze, and didn’t believe in reading, you probably wouldn’t want to ride it anymore. But every summer bajillions (estimated) of people have no problem hopping on a tilting, spinning monstrosity slapped together by the guy I just described. Carnivals travel from town to town with all their rides and amusements disassembled and packed up small enough to fit in a few tractor trailers. Carnies are a group of people that have earned their truly earned their stereotype.

I guess amusement park rides are a little safer, because they were probably put together by real engineers, and they’re mounted in concrete, and not built for transport. I love pants pooping thrill rides as much as the next nerd, but most recently built amusement rides are really throwing the middle finger to physics and tempting the irony gods.

carnies

I don’t mean to get morbid here, but there’s something oddly hilarious about amusement park rides injuring people. Just me? Ok, thought so. But I’ve already started writing this article, so I’ma go ahead and finish it. When you decide to take a trip to the ol’ county fair or your nearest amusement park, it’s generally with the idea that you’re about to have a really good time. You get in line for a ride, something that shakes really hard and falls for three stories, or some crap. Then mid-ride your exciting day at the fair turns into a scene from Final Destination. Now, people dying on an amusement ride is not funny, that’s just awful. But I’ll have a solid laugh at when someone gets bruised up from rolling out of the himalaya or a twenty kids from a nearby high school get stranded upside down. So let’s have a hilarious look at some amusement ride mishaps from this past year! (I said that in a Bob Saget Funniest Home Videos voice.)

This October in Delaware a piece of the “Merry Mixer” came off and then flipped over, giving a few of its riders minor injuries. Probably because these guys put it together:

Carnies

In New Zealand, a kiddie coaster hopped off of its track and left some kids dangling until they tragically fell four feet to their safety.

In Montreal this past July, four safety restraints popped open on a ride called “The Boomerang”. It’s one of those awful, vom inducing rides that sends you through a gauntlet of twists and loops one way, climbs a 116 ft. hill, then brings you back down so you can experience the same nightmare backwards (see where they got the name? Clever, huh?). The only thing that kept this story hilariously frightening was centrifugal force. Centrifugal force, FTW!

Boomerang

At Flamingo Land theme park in England (named because England is so famous for its flamingos) a roller coaster froze upside down fifty feet in the air because someone’s poncho got caught up in a wheel. Someone was wearing a poncho, probably because it was raining, because it rains a lot there. That’s something that should’ve been considered in the construction of this coaster. And probably should be the reason England shouldn’t have roller coasters. You heard me, England. (I would’ve found it hilarious to be standing below that ride, listening to what I imagine to be an upside down roller coaster full of English people cursing in that hilarious Guy Ritchie film kind of way.)

England Coaster Upside down

I couldn’t find any pictures for this one, but it’s still funny. Well, if you pretend this one involves really shitty kids, it’s funny. Don’t picture your adorable nieces and nephews when I tell you that at a fair in Texas, a gust of wind picked up an inflatable bounce castle thing and flung the whole thing, kids and all, hurling through the air.

If you’d like to never get on an amusement ride again, you can spend hours reading the site where I found all these stories: www.rideaccidents.com

One Response to "When Amusement Rides Attack!"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Hahahah that paragraph by the headlining picture is plain awesome!