Of all of the stars that emerged from the heyday of the late ‘80’s and early 90’s, few had as great a cultural impact as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles had it all: kung-fu fighting, sharp wits, and primary-colored eyebands that made them easy to identify. In particular, Michelangelo’s care-free, Spicoli-esque attitude and mannerisms struck a chord with the youth counter-culture movement of the times, and within weeks Michelangelo’s trademark “Cowabunga!” was a common schoolyard phrase. Times were good, but Michelangelo would soon find out that it’s possible for a Turtle to come too far out of his shell.
Michelangelo was, as the Turtles’ theme song suggests, quite the party dude. Sex, drugs, and pizza were everywhere, and Michelangelo was powerless to resist. He began frequenting strip clubs and exclusive sex parties, much to the chagrin of his fellow mutated turtle brothers, who often bailed him out of precarious situations. "It's one thing to be a party dude, it's another to stand with a group of men and ejaculate on a woman's face," said Donatello, his friend and former partner. Mikey was hanging with the wrong crowd. He had completely abandoned his kung-fu upbringing.
When Master Splinter and the other Turtles tried to intervene and help Mikey, he felt threatened, and began disappearing in the turtle van for days on end. Later, it was discovered that Michelangelo had been hosting drug and sex parties in the van, and at least once, had driven to Vancouver on a drug-induced dare, kidnapped a ninja, and beaten him nearly to death. Fortunately, the other Turtles found out about Mikey’s escapades just in time, and they were able to stop him from murdering an innocent bad-guy ninja.
"It was an endless cycle of pizza, whores, and drugs. At the time, you could get all three from Pizza Hut. Something had to change," said Master Splinter, who forced Michelangelo to enter a drug rehabilitation facility. However, being that Michelangelo was still a kung-fu master, and very adept at skateboarding through complex sewer systems, he was able to escape on multiple occasions. Finally, though, the rehabilitation began to take hold, and Michelangelo made the decision to turn his life around.
Unfortunately, the movie-going public had unanimously agreed that the third TMNT movie sucked balls, and that they never wanted to see a live action Ninja Turtles film ever again. Since then, the Turtles have managed to stay out of the public eye, mostly because a) they live in sewers, b) they're ninjas who are trained to remain unseen, and c) nobody cares about them anymore. Today, Michaelangelo looks back on his past with a new found respect for life: "It was a crazy time, and I thought I had to be the crazy turtle, but it turns out that being a mutant, human-sized, bi-pedal turtle who could do karate and talk was crazy enough."
I grew up obsessed with the turtles and now my son watches them, I get to watch all the good stuff from when I was a kid without having to feel like a weirdo.
Having said that, this article if fucking awesome! I knew he was all fucked up through those movies, but I bet he didn't do as much blow as Corey Feldman, I mean Donatello. That's right, if you didn't know it, he was Donatello's voice.
(13 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
March 24th, 2009 at 07:53 pm
being a mutant, human-sized, bi-pedal turtle
He was bi?
I would have taken Donatello for the gay one, what with the purple mask and the big two headed dildo he fought with.
March 24th, 2009 at 09:00 pm
Bi-pedal means he walked on two feet, as opposed to four feet. Read a fucking science book.
March 25th, 2009 at 06:00 am
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
March 26th, 2009 at 08:58 pm
Learn humour.
It was a fucking joke.
March 25th, 2009 at 08:40 am
Awesome... Just Awesome...
March 24th, 2009 at 09:08 pm
I grew up obsessed with the turtles and now my son watches them, I get to watch all the good stuff from when I was a kid without having to feel like a weirdo.
Having said that, this article if fucking awesome! I knew he was all fucked up through those movies, but I bet he didn't do as much blow as Corey Feldman, I mean Donatello. That's right, if you didn't know it, he was Donatello's voice.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
cowabunga, dude!
March 25th, 2009 at 06:05 am
Sometimes you guys are funny as hell. This is not one of those times. What a waste of font and photoshop!
March 25th, 2009 at 03:22 pm
Reading about teen stars letting fame go to their head is never funny.
March 25th, 2009 at 04:51 pm
i heard Leonardo sucked dick for coke.
March 25th, 2009 at 08:39 pm
i heard your mom sucked dick cause she was a whore
March 26th, 2009 at 08:56 pm
good one...
April 23rd, 2009 at 01:07 am
LOL, great one eh. I actually thought it was a bit too short, I could hear some more wild stories from Michelangelo's shady past
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