A Very Special Guest Article by Casey O’Donnell
The holiday season is in full swing, and for many people that means endless hours of
traveling. All that time spent in an airport can be a mixture of torture and excitement (or as we like to call it: tor-citement), but
hooking up with chicks can be a good way to pass the time. If you’re fortunate enough to be traveling with a hot chick already, then your job is already half done. If you
flying solo, then lower your standards, find a girl, and take her to one of these excellent airport hookup spots:
The Self-Check-In Counter
This will be your first location option in the airport, and it’s a great choice for the very impatient. The key benefit to this location is the fact that it’s a self-check-in, which means that you won’t be hastled by pesky, cock-blocking airport employees. The drawback is that it’s pretty public, so you’ll have to be slick to pull of anything substantial.
Suggested Activities: Making out (because people will think you’re just two lovers parting ways), discreet handjobs, or possibly a blowjob if she’s a very short girl or if she can pretent to tie her shoes for a really long time.
Security Line
This location provides you with the most time to kill, because security lines take forever. Also, you’re standing for a really long time, so you can get some serious hook-up work done, and since you have to take everything off anyway, it won’t be suspicious if you’re undressing. This location also brings with it a great sense of danger, because you know that the line is going to end at some point, and you really do not want to have your dick out when you’re walking through a metal detector.
Suggested Activities: Making out, hand job, blow job, standing doggy-style (if she’s tall or wearing heels).
Designated Smoking Room
The smoking lounge in the airport is the first location that’s going to provide the privacy you’re looking for (unless you’re in The South). Airports usually tuck these smoking lounges out of the way, so as not to frighten or enrage the non-smokers in the airport. They’re also usually empty, because of the ridicule anyone will receive for not being able to control their nicotine cravings. Most importantly, though, it’s the only location where you can light up a cigarette after you’re done banging your chick, which is both a popular cliche and perfectly acceptable in this location.
Suggested Activities: Anything you want, or anything that your girl will allow.
Bathroom
At first glance, this would seem like a location with just as much, if not more, privacy than the smoking room. However, a number of senators in search of blowjobs have tarnished the reputation of airport bathrooms in recent years, so the location has become much more suspicious. Head for the womens’ restroom. There’s less focus on them, and it also opens the door for additional partners. Technically, if you’re lucky, you could walk into a womens’ airport bathroom just waiting to explode into a full-blown orgy. Neck pillows would be flying everywhere.
Suggested Activities: Anything that involves large groups of people and cleaning supplies.
Vacant Gates
An empty gate seating section provides a little bit of intimacy and a fair amount of danger. Since the airline industry is going down the shitter like a spoiled egg salad sandwich, finding an empty gate shouldn’t be a problem. Scout for stray sleepers just to be sure you don’t set up camp to close. It’s also a good idea to have a blanket or a large jacket on hand to conceal your dirty deeds. Just try to remember that, unlike your bathroom stall, you’ll be completely in the open here, so be cautious but adventurous.
Suggested Activities: Anything you can pull off under a blanket. Reverse cowgirl is a good bet, because you can cover yourself with the blanket so that it looks like she’s just sitting on a weird chair and having a seizure.
Courtesy Phone Area
The courtesy phone area is a fantastic place for hooking up, simply because nobody ever uses that area for anything, ever. Thanks to the miracle of modern cell phones, nobody needs the courtesy phone anymore. Since airports are starting to dump courtesy phone areas left and right, it’s almost become a badge of honor to hook up in the endangered courtesy phone area of your local airport.
Suggested Activities: Donkey punch, dirty sanchez, cleveland steamer, rusty trombone, angry pirate, blumpkin, pink sock, cincinatti bowtie, chili dog, alabama hot pocket, boston tea party, boston pancake, alligator f-house, space docking, or any combination of these. Let’s face it, you’re not going to get interrupted in the courtesy phone area.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
pretent?
If you read the whole article with a southern accent then that word makes sense. Also hopefully someday you find something to do that is worth while with life, instead of looking for typos on a comedy site that makes mostly shit jokes.
First!
Merry Christmas
See name.
Ho Ho Ho
The smoking room at the O’Hare airport in Atlanta is brutal. People go in there, smoke a cigarette like they are paid to do it, and leave.
No conversation, no casual attitudes, all business. It’s funny as shit to watch.
O’Hare’s in Chicago. Idlewild is Atlanta.
too bad O’Hare international is in Chicago.
Shit is no laughing matter and should be taken seriously.
Errr, ya. I knew that. Just kidding, but not really.
Hartsfield-Jackson is the Airport in ATL.
Mehhh, this one was pretty weak.
I was expecting more from this article, I’m taking a plane tonight and this sucked.
is it because you weren’t/can’t be sucked?
I work at an airport and you forgot a great place. The mothers room. We have one at my airport and it has rocking chairs, and changing tables and its very private. This one kid got a blowjob in their once and he said it was fantastic. Just throwin it out there.
TSA is smarter than Holy Taco… doesnt take much for this kinda article, two typos in the first two paragraphs.
Why don’t all you people who knock Holy Taco articles and posts just fuck off and stop coming to this site.
You are tiresome and boring with your bullshit.
LONG LIVE HOLY TACO!!!!!!!!!!
I am a fan of the on board bathrooms.