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Who Will Die in 2010?

A lot of celebrities died in 2009, and many of them, like Brittany Murphy, were highly unpredictable. That’s why we’ve decided to take some initiative and make some celebrity death predictions for 2010.
 
Dick Clark
 
Dick Clark used to be called The Boy Who Couldn’t Age.  Then he aged all at once really quickly.  Clark suffered from a stroke in 2004, and since then he’s been on the way out.  He’s still been co-hosting the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve" television special every year, but you can see that he’s slipping.  Last year, he wished the entire country a "Happeneryer" at midnight.  When your job is saying "Happy New Year" and you can’t do that anymore, that means it’s time to go.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Dick loses control of his electric wheelchair, plows into the new years ball, and blacks out Times Square on live TV. That night, he dies peacefully in his sleep.
 
 
Larry King
 
Larry King has been hosting Larry King Live for 25 years. He was really old when it started, and now he’s 25 years older really old.  he’s a f*cking dinosaur.  It looks like Larry drank from the wrong cup at the end of The Last Crusade, but then he stopped the rapid aging process in the middle, so he looks like he’s 300 years old, but he can still get around okay.  Unfortunately, you can only look 300 for so long.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Larry will bump into a person on the street, causing his amulet necklace to slip free, fall to the ground and shatter, after which Larry will disintegrate into dust. It will later be determined that Larry’s ancient egyptian amulet held a curse that was the only thing keeping his mummified body alive.
 
 
Amy Winehouse
 

This is an easy one.  People are amazed that she’s survived this long.  People actually congratulate Amy when they see that she’s still alive.  She parties hard, she’s not gonna slow down until she’s long gone, and nobody will be at all surprised when she dies.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: She’ll suffocate in a locked dumpster that she crawled into to smoke some crack.
 
 
Burt Reynolds
 
The Bandit is not doing too well lately. His health is starting to fail, and he recently went to rehab for an addiction to prescription painkillers.  Burt entered rehab after his housekeeper found him lying unconscious in a pool of blood.  Apparently he’d been badly cut and was bleeding out.  It seems like Burt doesn’t like getting old, and once you get to that point, it’s only a matter of time.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Burt will suffocate on his own mustache.
 
 
Betty White
 
Loveable little Betty White is old as hell.  There’s really no reason for Betty to be on this list, other than the fact that she’s really old, and Bea Arthur died this past April, and people tend to pair them together in their minds, because they were both on Golden Girls together.  She still acts every now and then, but she’s clearly getting old.  Y’know how, when you ask your grandma what she’s having for dinner, she tells you a two-hour story about how she got frisky with the captain of the Staten Island ferry in 1958? That’s what Betty White does now, except she does it on television.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Betty will mistake JB Weld for cookie dough and stick a tray of it in the oven.  The fumes will send her into a peaceful, permanent slumber.
 
 
David Hasslehoff
 
David Hasslehoff is awesome.  He’s also a drunk. His family has stated openly and repeatedly over the past year or so that they are afraid for his health.  He’s going to drink himself to death, and 2010 is going to be the year that he does it.
 
Predicted Cause of Death:  Run over by a talking car while running in slow motion across the beach.
 
 
Lindsay Lohan
 
Lindsay Lohan is young, hot, rich, and crazy.  That’s a bad combo.  She’s fallen apart over the past couple of years, and it looks like she’ll be staying the course in 2010.  She’s completely self-destructive, and now she’s desperate to revitalize her career.  She probably has some kind of an ace up her sleeve, but if that doesn’t do the trick, then she’s definitely on suicide watch.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of booze and coke.
 
 
Steven Tyler
 
The lead singer of Aerosmith has gotten so wreckless lately that even the other members of Aerosmith are concerned about him.  You know something is bad if an entire rock band is concerned about your health. Ol’ Fishface is on his last leg and he knows it, so he’s gonna go out partying. You gotta respect that.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: Suffocation, caused by having too many groupie whores piled on top of him after doing the best concert of his entire life.
 
 
Courtney Love
 
Courtney Love has always been a crazy, f*cked up bitch.  She probably killed Kurt Kobain, and she totally profited from that unfortunate catastrophe.  Possibly due to the intense feelings of guilt that come with killing one of the most influencial musicians of a generation, she’s been trying to knock herself off for a long time now.  Good luck in 2010, Courtney.
 
Predicted Cause of Death:  A brave warrior name Perseus will come to kill Courtney.  Knowing how awful and vile her image is to behold, Perseus will bring a mirrored shield, which he will use to keep an eye on her without having to look directly at her.  After that, he’ll simply behead her, use her head as a weapon against his enemies, and eventually be hailed as an epic hero.
 
 
M. Night Shyamalan
 
M. Night Shyamalan is a good director and a terrible writer.  He’s probably not going to die in 2010, but we added him to this list because we really, really want him to.  He’s been on the decline for his entire career.  Sixth Sense was great, and then it all just went downhill from there.  Now he’s making shitty-ass movies where the wind is poisonous.  Really? The wind?  F*ck you, M. Night.  Go die somewhere.
 
Predicted Cause of Death: None. It’ll turn out he was dead the whole time.

57 Responses to "Who Will Die in 2010?"

  1. jethro says:

    and i here i though burt was already dead…. who knew?

  2. Dread Fred says:

    What isn’t Ozzie on that list….Oh! Wait that drugged out douche bag died 10 years ago……………

  3. Pristine Apostle says:

    I predict that Tyra Banks will meet her demise by overdosing on Rogaine.

  4. The Train says:

    it was all good until you marked betty white for death.

  5. Jimmy Fedoosha says:

    I only hope that the Lohan family has the forethought to preserve Lindsay’s great rack and donate it to, say, the Smithsonian Institution so that many generations to come may marvel at them.

  6. Pristine Apostle says:

    Ernest Borgnine will die from dehydration due to excessive masturbation.

  7. Ricky Steve says:

    Burt may die but his really bad toupee will live on forever.

  8. Pristine Apostle says:

    Joan Rivers will flat line from facial food poisoning.

  9. Pristine Apostle says:

    Kirk Douglas will die happy after walking in on Catherine Zeta-Jones pleasuring herself with a vibrator.

  10. Pristine Apostle says:

    Steven Segal will be found dead in an alley with pieces of broken up donuts shoved up his nostrils and down his throat.

  11. Pristine Apostle says:

    Paris Hilton will succumb to a massive inflammation of herpes.

  12. Pristine Apostle says:

    Dakota Fanning will die when she is accidentally mistaken as an hors d’oeuvre by Raven Simone.

  13. Pristine Apostle says:

    Spencer Pratt will die when a child from the Make a Wish Foundation fills him with buckshot.

  14. Kurt Cobain says:

    Hey guys,it’s me, Kurt Cobain coming back from the dead to tell you that these assholes misspelled my name as Kurt Kobain when they wrote this shitty article about Courtney Love.

    I’ve been waiting for one of you self-serving idiots to correct them and I thought your need to criticize things would make you jump at the chance. Too bad I was wrong.

    Now I will haunt you all and you will wish I never wrote shitty butt rock songs. And know that my name is COBAIN when you feel the cold, sharp pain of my shlong penetrating your shlong in the windy starlight of your dreamless night.

    Good day.

    I said good day, sir!

  15. Acai Berry says:

    Something is really wrong with this post.

  16. Joe A Abernathy says:

    Here I thought Cobain went straight to hell for killing himself, but clearly he is in some kind of Purgatory between Heaven and Hell…All those Purgatory residents have impeccable English skills…

    And this guy clearly SPELLS LIKE a ‘TWEEN SPIRIT.

  17. Joe A Abernathy says:

    P.S:

    Dick Cheney

    Kirk Douglas

    Roy Horn (Siegfried & Roy)

  18. Pederico de la Guza says:

    Hello, I hereby order you
    Number one to go on with that list and put David Beckham, George Michael, Claudia Schiffer and Chalize Theron on it;
    Number two to take Lindsay Lohan off that list
    Number three to make sure that thing with Hasselhoff really happens by sending him free booze every day until death;
    Number four to make a list of the people who really could die but will not like the Pope or Magharete Thatcher;
    Number five to take orders from nobody else but me;
    Nummber six to forbid ennummerations on this site for all time
    Number seven to obey whatever I said
    Number nine to pay some money to schools that help people learn to count

    So be it.

  19. Private Johnson says:

    Hmm, have you ever noticed that the a majority of the ones listed in these annual death lists are people who do ridiculous amounts of illegal drugs (how many times has Winehouse been listed now, Britney is off the list after years on it), yet they continue to stumble about in public disgrace year after year, while the ones that do kick the bucket are the ones you don’t expect, who are on painkillers and other legal and taxed drugs.

  20. Cold Steel says:

    So Curt Kobain, how did it feel to give a blow job to a shotgun?

  21. Dick Gregory says:

    Killed Kurt Kobain?

  22. Taliek Brown says:

    What about Mike Wallace? You heard it here first.

  23. Yep says:

    That guy’s already dead in my book. He fucked me out of a fantasy football championship.

  24. Turd Ferguson says:

    It’s funny because it’s ah, bigger than, ah…you know, a normal hat.

  25. pratik says:

    After Dick Clark buys the farm, the mantle of “The Boy Who Wouldn’t Age” will be passed down to Pat Sajak. That guy looks exactly the same as when I started watching Wheel of Fortune 13 years ago.

  26. Rowwan says:

    Always sunny reference at the end. nice

  27. Paul says:

    lol @ m. sham

  28. donzaloog says:

    I FUCKING LOVE LINDSAY LOHAN’S TITS. They’re so perfect, I would do everyting possible to those things, motorboat,titty-fuck you name it. I keep hoping she gets her act together and gets her act together and gets her career back on track. Abandon your family girl they’re all a bunch of bloodsucking leeches.

    I really hope she doesn’t die, I’m already sad enough about Brittany Murphy.

  29. Uncle Fukker says:

    Good list, but you missed out a few guys:

    1) Dick Cheney

    2) Josef Ratzinger (aka Pope Palpatine)

    3) Jimmy Carter

    4) Robert Pattinson (either his fans or haters kill him)

  30. Uncle Fukker says:

    I missed out:

    5) Sacha Baron Cohen

    6) Kristen Stewart (those Twilight fans are nutty)

  31. ARTYFISHALL says:

    Cancer 1 Dennis Hopper 0

  32. the1smokearella says:

    That is some funny f*ckin sh*t! I love it! real, dark, and twisted Makes me want to read! Glad I am not the only one who has a list or ten of people who should die so my policy can pay.

  33. Judi says:

    and not one of these so called predictions has been accurate, although there is still hope, there is still 2 weeks left in the year.

  34. Wiz Bang says:

    How can Kurt Cobain penetrate my schlong with his schlong?? This seems an impossible feat?

  35. daddyd says:

    first

  36. daym says:

    I hope you die in 2009.

  37. Shazzam says:

    daddyd, you’re my hero.

  38. Funny Shit says:

    ^ douchebag, m. night fuckin hilarious. You forgot to add uwe boll and several other shitty actors and directors. Please continue the list

  39. Steve says:

    What is it with these “first” idiots, do they really think it matters? Is someone keeping score? I don’t get it, ANYWAY, I hope Steven Tyler is rockin around for a long time to come.
    HOLY TACO RULES, HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

  40. boop de doop says:

    The more attention you give to the firsters, the more they will first.

  41. Stick says:

    Clash of the Titans reference for the win.

  42. mezzanine says:

    Because it’s not like that story existed before Clash of the Titans.

  43. Stick says:

    Ah, no way!

    I was referencing it because that’s where most know it from. (Especially with the upcoming remake.)

  44. That Guy Who Confuses Movies says:

    WEAK SIDE! STRONG SIDE! WEAK SIDE! STRONG SIDE!

  45. Starkiller says:

    This is a really good post. Good job HT.

    BTW where’s my Holy Taco shirt?

  46. supermanlymangunowner says:

    Keith Richards is finally going to go this year. He checks every celebrity deathwatch list, and when he sees he wasnt on this one hes going to overdose on speedballs out of spite. (not that you can “underdose” on the killer coke & heroin combo, but hes REALLY going to go nuts)

  47. WTF says:

    Richards died years ago but has so many unnatural substances in his blood stream he may never actually fall over.

  48. daym says:

    I predict that 2010 is the year that John Goodman finally eats himself to death.

  49. John Goodman says:

    never!!

  50. nerd says:

    Courtney Love should take over for the Joker in the next Batman movie. She already looks just like him. THEN she can overdose. The circle of life continues….

  51. DonkeyXote says:

    If I could have one wish and one wish only, I would hope for the motherfucker of Hugo Chavez Frias (Dictator of Venezuela) to die a painful death, in fact, I would want that motherfucker to be tortured ‘Passion of the Christ’ style, and if necessary to provide him with a blood tranfussion to keep the fucker alive for further tortures.

    Mint!

  52. The Sarcastic Asshole says:

    I would just like to thank you for clarifying that Hugo Chavez was the dictator of Venezuela. Otherwise, I most definitely would have gone through life believing that he was the younger brother of Cesar Chavez.

  53. Muhammed Ali says:

    All I know is that John Madden looks pretty dead sometimes

  54. Who wants to know? says:

    I’m sure I’m not the first person to say this (or something similar) but, I’m gonna make it my business to come back to this page at the end of 2010 to see if YOU are still alive. Since you seem to know so much about when people are going to die, care to share w/ us when your fateful day will be? No! Why not? Oh, let me guess… your crystal ball hasn’t revealed THAT to you yet, right?

  55. Muhammed Ali says:

    Is he alive still?

  56. Norton Kress says:

    May an earthquake topple next year’s venue for the Academy Awards on the night in question, about halfway through the broadcast. Total devistation, no survivors. Piss on ‘em. Any damn fool who makes millions of dollars for dicking off on a movie set for a couple of months doesn’t deserve to live. Piss on ‘em all.

  57. iamphoenix says:

    none of these people have died yet…still a couple more months left of 2010…