This is an easy one. People are amazed that she’s survived this long. People actually congratulate Amy when they see that she’s still alive. She parties hard, she’s not gonna slow down until she’s long gone, and nobody will be at all surprised when she dies.
Predicted Cause of Death: She’ll suffocate in a locked dumpster that she crawled into to smoke some crack.
The Bandit is not doing too well lately. His health is starting to fail, and he recently went to rehab for an addiction to prescription painkillers. Burt entered rehab after his housekeeper found him lying unconscious in a pool of blood. Apparently he’d been badly cut and was bleeding out. It seems like Burt doesn’t like getting old, and once you get to that point, it’s only a matter of time.
Predicted Cause of Death: Burt will suffocate on his own mustache.
Loveable little Betty White is old as hell. There’s really no reason for Betty to be on this list, other than the fact that she’s really old, and Bea Arthur died this past April, and people tend to pair them together in their minds, because they were both on Golden Girls together. She still acts every now and then, but she’s clearly getting old. Y’know how, when you ask your grandma what she’s having for dinner, she tells you a two-hour story about how she got frisky with the captain of the Staten Island ferry in 1958? That’s what Betty White does now, except she does it on television.
Predicted Cause of Death: Betty will mistake JB Weld for cookie dough and stick a tray of it in the oven. The fumes will send her into a peaceful, permanent slumber.
David Hasslehoff is awesome. He’s also a drunk. His family has stated openly and repeatedly over the past year or so that they are afraid for his health. He’s going to drink himself to death, and 2010 is going to be the year that he does it.
Predicted Cause of Death: Run over by a talking car while running in slow motion across the beach.
Lindsay Lohan is young, hot, rich, and crazy. That’s a bad combo. She’s fallen apart over the past couple of years, and it looks like she’ll be staying the course in 2010. She’s completely self-destructive, and now she’s desperate to revitalize her career. She probably has some kind of an ace up her sleeve, but if that doesn’t do the trick, then she’s definitely on suicide watch.
Predicted Cause of Death: Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of booze and coke.
The lead singer of Aerosmith has gotten so wreckless lately that even the other members of Aerosmith are concerned about him. You know something is bad if an entire rock band is concerned about your health. Ol’ Fishface is on his last leg and he knows it, so he’s gonna go out partying. You gotta respect that.
Predicted Cause of Death: Suffocation, caused by having too many groupie whores piled on top of him after doing the best concert of his entire life.
Courtney Love has always been a crazy, f*cked up bitch. She probably killed Kurt Kobain, and she totally profited from that unfortunate catastrophe. Possibly due to the intense feelings of guilt that come with killing one of the most influencial musicians of a generation, she’s been trying to knock herself off for a long time now. Good luck in 2010, Courtney.
Predicted Cause of Death: A brave warrior name Perseus will come to kill Courtney. Knowing how awful and vile her image is to behold, Perseus will bring a mirrored shield, which he will use to keep an eye on her without having to look directly at her. After that, he’ll simply behead her, use her head as a weapon against his enemies, and eventually be hailed as an epic hero.
M. Night Shyamalan
M. Night Shyamalan is a good director and a terrible writer. He’s probably not going to die in 2010, but we added him to this list because we really, really want him to. He’s been on the decline for his entire career. Sixth Sense was great, and then it all just went downhill from there. Now he’s making shitty-ass movies where the wind is poisonous. Really? The wind? F*ck you, M. Night. Go die somewhere.
Predicted Cause of Death: None. It’ll turn out he was dead the whole time.