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Who Will Go #1 In The 2034 NFL Draft?

Folks, we’re all currently steeped deep within the burly, possibly HGH raging heart of the NFL draft, a glorious time of year when we watch college kids walk on to a stage to put on a hat that will no longer fit them once they become stars and their heads grow bigger.

The draft may be underway, and players are already joining their respective teams, but it’s never too early to speculate on who will be drafted first overall in future drafts. But rather than debate who will go number-one in the 2013 draft, let’s look a little further ahead, way ahead, to the 2034 NFL draft.  Which babies of today will be making the headlines 22-years from now?


Xavier Bettes, Line Backer

At only 16-months, Xavier has already showed explosive speed and agility for a baby his size that will only presumably be honed over the course of the next two decades. He crawls faster than any other baby in his daycare, and he has shown an exceptional aptitude for putting the circular block in the circular hole, even if he’s only done it once and it was by accident and he was just slamming plastic in to plastic because he liked the sound.

Xavier may not be a number-one, but he’ll be a highly coveted top ten pick, assuming he even discovers a love for football at some point in his life.


Lance Mathieson, Quarterback

This kid’s got an arm like a cannon; just ask his mother, who has to clean up the mess he makes when he tosses his num-nums around the kitchen during dinner. But, as we all know, even the best draft picks have downsides, and Lance is no different. Again, as his mother can tell you, he’s fussy. You have to wonder how well he’ll react when coaches suggest he adjust his throwing style to a more NFL friendly style. Tossing the pig skin and tossing a spoon of pureed ham share a lot of similarities – namely, pigs – but he’s going to have to work if he wants to be a number-one overall pick.


Max Tseng, Defensive Lineman

If ever there were a person born to be a defensive linemen, it’s Max. He was 18 pounds of QB sacking fury out of the womb. The doctor that delivered him said Max’s launch speed out of his mom’s birth canal was strong enough to bring down a pony. His pediatrician projects that by the time Max is 21, he’ll be a solid 390 pounds, assuming he doesn’t suffer from early onset diabetes which causes him to lose a leg, which would drop him to around 375 — still a good weight for a D-liner, but, you know, he won’t have a leg. Assuming he can breathe when he runs, Max could be a lock at number-two.


Reggie McMichael, Wide Receiver

Reggie’s one of the speediest babies we’ve seen in recent years. He can walk a full six steps in 4.8 seconds before falling down and crying. We haven’t seen speed like that from a wide out since a 21-month old Deion Sanders ran away from a lizard in his backyard in five steps and in 4.5 seconds. This kid’s got leg power. From what I hear, on more than one occasion his father was splashed with poop while changing Reggie’s diapers because Reggie kept kicking his poop-drenched legs around wildly. This kid can’t wait to show off his speed in the NFL.

His biggest downside is his on-field aptitude; is he smart enough to improvise while running his routes, is the big question. I talked to Reggie’s older brother, who’s five and ¾, and he said, and I quote, “Reggie is a retarded doo-doo head.” This might be a point of concern, so we’re going to have to wait for his elementary school guidance counselor to eventually determine if Reggie has a learning disability or, heaven forbid, an issue with his motor control. So, for now, we’ll just interpret Reggie’s brother’s claim as the words of a child jealous of the attention being given to his new baby brother.


Synthia, All Positions

Robot Baby

Futurists project that within 20 years we will begin to see the first stages of robot integration in to human society. So who’s to say that in 2034 we won’t see the first robot drafted in to the NFL? If this mad future pans out, that first robot could very well be Synthia, created by scientists at the Cyberdyne Corporation. Synthia is the perfect package. Her hydraulic legs can kick a hole through a brick wall, which is exactly what NFL special teams coaches have wanted their punters to do for years but have been frustrated by their pathetically weak human capabilities. She, or it, has the grip strength of an adolescent gorilla, which would make Synthia a great defensive tackle because once she grabs a hold of a quarterback, she/it can activate her energy reserves to yank him down.

Sythia’s got to make it out of the R&D phase, and they’re going to have to put some skin on her/it, but once they do, the team with the number-one pick in 2034 will undoubtedly be the Super Bowl champ for the foreseeable future, after Synthia imposes her cold and mechanical robotic will on opposing teams.

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