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Why Aren’t They Making Movies About MySpace?

tom from myspace

By Tom Anderson, Co-Founder of MySpace.com

When I first heard about the upcoming film, The Social Network, I was really excited. With David Fincher directing and a screenplay by Aaron Sorkin, it sounded like a real home run. Besides, it was high time someone brought the true story of the world’s greatest social media site to the big screen, even if it was an unauthorized version. But as I watched the trailer, I got really confused. Jesse Eisenberg is a fine actor, but he doesn’t really look like me. And why were there all those scenes at Harvard? I went to Berkeley! But hey, it’s Hollywood, so I figured they were just taking poetic licence. But that’s when the trailer dropped the F-Bomb: Facebook! Friggen Facebook? You’ve gotta be shitting me! Facebook doesn’t hold a candle to the social juggernaut that is MySpace!

When I realized what was going on, I was furious. How could they make a movie about Facebook instead of MySpace? I hadn’t been that upset since I realized they were making a movie version of Transformers instead of the long awaited Gobots film. I immediately jumped on my Palm and “Yammered” my outrage to all my friends. Who does Columbia Pictures think they are fooling?

eisenberg

Facebook sucks for many reasons. Reason number one: the profile pages suck! Where are all the animated Emoticons? Why doesn’t an annoying song start at full blast every time I visit a new profile? Where are all the customized wallpapers with crazy animations that give seizures? Facebook’s simple and readable profile pages would be funny, if they weren’t so pathetic.

Second, why isn’t there a “Top Friends” list on Facebook? How am I supposed to know how much I matter to someone who has 300 friends if I’m just another cog in the wheel? And speaking of friends, why am I not getting 20 daily “friend requests” from hot girls I’ve never met like I do on MySpace? Obviously there aren’t as many hot chicks on Facebook as there are on MySpace.

farm town

And what’s with all the stupid games like Farmville? That crap doesn’t hold a candle to MySpace’s hit game, FarmTown. It’s sweeping the god damn country. And what’s with all the stupid “groups” on Facebook? People go on social media sites for two reasons: to sell discount Viagra from China, and to pick up 13-year-old girls, not to support causes and “like” things. MySpace understands that. Facebook does not.

I could go on and on about why Facebook is the lesser site, but the main reason they should have made the movie about MySpace boils down to one thing: story. The creation story for MySpace is far superior to that of Facebook. Who wants to watch a rags-to-riches tale about some college kid who ended up a billionaire when they could be watching a film where a bunch of programmers from a company called eUniverse copy a site called Friendster? You know, Friendster!? Who wants to watch a bunch of college billionaires get coked up at a sex party when they could watch Mr. Rupert Murdoch buy MySpace? Not me, that’s for sure.

coke party

At any rate, I’m sure the movie is going to bomb, just like this whole Facebook fad is going to die down. When it does, your old friend Tom will be waiting patiently back on MySpace. And when that day comes, I promise not to post “I told you so” in your “friends comments” section. Who needs a wall when you have a “friends comments" section.

8 Responses to "Why Aren’t They Making Movies About MySpace?"

  1. Dangerous Man Uno says:

    NO MAKES IT OUT ALIVE

  2. MoFlagsMoHos says:

    I almost thought about not feeling bored for a second while reading this one. The MySpace zombie apocalypse article you did a few months ago… well done. This? Not so much. Try harder you lazy turds.

  3. Jo Manny says:

    I know right? WTF is up with that shit! MySpace is Da Bomb and Tom fuckin ROCKS!

    http://www.online-privacy.eu.tc

  4. Rahm Emmanuel says:

    I forgot to mention I suck c0(|<

  5. Joe's Mom says:

    3 seconds with a limp cock is nothing to brag about…your girlfriend has a bigger shlong.

  6. Rahm Emmanuel says:

    This movie will suck

    almost as much as Holy Taco, Barack Obama, Sarah Palin, and everyone below me

    Oh

    and I fucked your mom

  7. Dwight K. Schrute WHIMPERS!!! says:

    Step on my cubes boys!

  8. Angus McFartsucker says:

    I would suck a fart out of her ass