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Why Do These Coffees Exist?

I’m not a coffee fan.  I’ll drink coffee if you’re offering drinks and for some reason literally have nothing else and I’m thirsty, but that’s it.  I don’t hate it, I just couldn’t really care less about it.  Some people, however, are still in that curious Cathy-comic reality where they say things like “Coffee is my life!” or “I’d hook it up to my veins if I could” and it’s hilarious because it’s full of caffeine and it’s like the water of life to them and yadda yadda.  There are no jokes about coffee that are funny.  That said, there are a number of coffees out there that seem to be jokes themselves.  Coffee is beans, man. You can add this flavor or that flavor and they work well, but then shit got out of hand one day.  Probably when Starbucks became a virus spreading across the nation.  And with it, coffee snobbery. Coffee stupidity.  Coffee WTFery.

Here’s some coffee that makes no sense to me.  Figure it out if you can.

Kopi Luwak

The most infamous coffee in the world, it costs some stupid amount of money because it’s super rare and it’s super rare because it’s harvested from turds. Some kind of civet cat has to eat a coffee berry, digest it, poop it and then some poor coffee farmer goes and picks it out of the poop, roasts it and sells it to someone like you for hundreds of dollars a pound.  It’s literally preposterous in every way.

I’ve read lots of BS about how it changes the flavor of the coffee with enzymes and whatever else but the fact is it’s shit coffee.  The coffee post-shit can’t be so earth-shattering that it makes it necessary or even reasonable to bother harvesting poo berries to make it.  Come on.

Jalapeno Coconut

I get flavored coffee, I like chocolate and coffee together, it tastes great.  I get shit like pumpkin spice latte if you want to be a fancy boy, whatever floats your boat.  But if there’s a reason for jalapeno peppers and a coconut to ever be together, I am not aware of it.

Here’s the thing, I even went to school to become a chef for a while, I understand flavors and spicing and things that compliment each other and never, ever, have I com across jalapeno and coconut.  With coffee mixed in.  Why would this be a thing?  Who enjoys these terrible things together?  This isn’t right.  This is like peanut butter and oranges and eggs.  What the hell is that?  Don’t put it in your mouth.

Corn/Soy/Barley Coffee

Apparently there’s a market out there for people who want coffee but not caffeine and for some reason can’t understand the idea of decaffeinated coffee.  So, as it happens, you can roast soybeans or barley o corn kind of the way you roast coffee, grind that crap up and brew it just the same.  I refuse to believe corn coffee tastes like anything other than burnt popcorn, but what do I know?

Spicy Taco Coffee

I had to include this because the site is called Holy Taco and, you know, word association and shit.  Plus this is idiotic.  I couldn’t find an ingredient list but it sounds like they seriously just tossed in some taco spices, like cumin and maybe some chili and then bam, you got yourself an Old El Paso taco cup of Joe.  No one has ever wanted that before.  Coffee and tacos don’t really go together ever.  It’s just a bad idea.  This whole thing? Bad idea

Dick Coffee

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