Dear Wu-Tang Clan,
I recently became aware that you are searching for a new office intern. In my own humble opinion, I feel I am the most qualified candidate for the job. I embody every single item on your “What we are looking for” list of desirable qualities you want in a potential intern. I not only possess the excellent written communication skills that you so desire, but I believe my communication skills to be my most defining feature. I am deeply interested in the music/entertainment industry, as well. I own at least 20 musical albums – seven of which are not Weird Al albums and/or Now That’s What I Call Music CDs from the late 90s/early aughts. I have a Facebook page that I check regularly, which meets your social networking qualification. I am very well organized, and I also meet a deadline. I am also an excellent wrangler of bitches. I can wrangle any number of bitches for your post-show needs. I will gather all of the bitches you guys need so all of you rap niggas can get all up in their guts. French-vanilla, butter-pecan, chocolate-deluxe. Even caramel sundaes is getting’ touched, and it’s exactly what I’ll be scooping to in your ice cream truck.
And why would I do it? Why would I work so hard to wrangle bitches for you? Because Wu tears it up.
Your CraigsList advert did not specify any form of payment for the internship. Regardless, I do not see you, The Might Wu, as niggas so stingy they got short arms and deep pockets. You all seem like upstanding gentlemen of the highest order, and not as professor ass niggas that can’t feed their own seed. I’m sure you all take care of your own, and I have nothing to worry about when it comes to the attainment of dolla-dolla bills. While I don’t want to come off as overly concerned with the payment structure, I would just like to let you know that everything around me is strictly ruled by the attainment of cash. If not for cash so thoroughly governing my every decision, I would not be able to look my 4-year-old daughter in the beautiful eyes and reassure her that, yes, I am going to keep feeding you…and feeding you…and feeding you.
Whereas I’m sure most candidates for the position couldn’t punch their way out of a wet paper bag with scissors in they hands, I assure you that I will I rip it hardcore like porno flick bitches. My work ethic is unrivaled. From the moment I hit your offices I will familiarize myself with the work environment as to not cause slow-down in your work flow, and I will smoke that office like smokin’ Joe Frazier, the hell raiser, raising hell with the flavor.
I am an easily approachable person, yet I take the work environment very seriously. I certainly am not one of those people that truly believes the Wu-Tang Clan to be a faction that can be f*cked with in any which way, shape, or form.