You know how you’ve always been told that a year is 365 days long? Yeah, well, that was just another lie handed down by The Man to your elders so they may pass down the lie to you to mask the bullshit with a loving, trustworthy face. The truth that The Man doesn’t want you to know is that the earth rotates around the sun 365.242190419 times a year, and The Man thinks you’re too stupid to understand decimals because The Man knows you always round your restaurant tips to the nearest dollar so you don’t have to figure out what 42 cents plus 83 cents equals when you’re drunk at Chili’s on two-for-one margarita night.
To make life simpler, The Man and his various associates (really just a pool of secretaries and unpaid inters working for college credit, and coincidentally, mostly women) rounded down and shoved all of these earth rotations in to what we now call a Gregorian Calendar, named after the 16th century’s Pope Gregory XII. The original name, Greg’s Day Planner, wasn’t as cryptic as the rest of the Catholic Church’s doctrine, so it was scrapped for the more menacing sounding “Gregorian,” which means, “You know, like that guy Greg.”
The decimal at the end of the 365 is a mathematical pain in the ass. If we were to live out that remainder as we do the rest of the full days of a year, after December 31st there would be one more day made up of only 6 hours, and your sick days wouldn’t rollover. So showing up to work late after getting a prostate exam would result in a full day’s worth of docked pay, screwing over your plans to go to Islands of Adventure in the summer. To make up for it, we hold on to that remaining 6 hours every year for four years until we eventually cash them in, hoping the universe hasn’t increased the interest without telling us; thus, seizing our planet to recoup the costs. Someone should really regulate the universe.
At the end of those 4 years, we have accrued 4 sets of 6 hours. After consulting with a wise man in the woods that can hover with the power of his mind as he meditates, I have come to the conclusion that 6 times 4 is 24, which is the number of hours in a day. We take this day made up of hours from past years and we make a whole new day out of it, kind of like the way your mom would make one big Friday meal made out of Monday through Thursday leftovers. We call this a “Leap Day,” and we call the year this day occurs within a “Leap Year,” which makes it sound like we’re telling the present f*ck itself because we want to be one year closer to jet packs and flying cars. The leap day was distributed to the tail-end of February because February has the least amount of days and everyone thought it was only fair that we help out the less fortunate months. And because the people that came up with this rule were commie socialists that wanted to “spread around the days” and “take the hard earned days from job creating months with 31 days, like March and December,” according to republicans.
And that brings us to today, February 29th, 2012 – a leap day. What does that mean for you? Not much. Your boss still sucks and your significant other is still mad at you for reasons that you’ll never understand. The upside is that Black History Month is extended by one day, and the even upperside is that racists are pissed off about that. So maybe that makes leap day the best day of all.