See how I start this whole thing with Hey instead of the more formal Hello? That’s the kind of closeness you’ll get with me. I don’t mess around with the awkward first months of a relationship. I cut right to chummy, loving Heys and farting in your presence.
Sadly, as much as it pains me to admit it, you’re going to miss out on the deep, meaningful comfort that I can bring to a relationship, seeing as you are now officially engaged to Justin Timberlake. I can’t fault you. I’m sure JT is a wonderful man. He sings, he dances, he has a really high pitched voice that makes it seem like his testicles never once thought about descending – he’s the full package, even though he may not have a full package. Get it? I did a thing with words, there.
I don’t want this to be about how terrible JT is for you. I want this to be about how much better I can be for you. If JT is here [Luis holds his hand at an arbitrary height], I’m, like, here [Luis holds his hand at an arbitrary, slightly higher height]. See? Do you see the difference in hand placement? The hand that represents me is clearly the higher of the two, so that’s reason number one for why I’m better than Timberlake. Because of hands and where they are placed on a scale of other hands.
Aside from hands, I’m a better match for you because of my ability to listen to every word you have to say, and actually paying attention to about 4% of it, occasionally paying upwards of 6% more of my attention if you’re talking about having sex with me. Or, thinking about asking one of your movie starlet friends if they want to have sex with me. Or, if you want to yell at me for only paying attention to you when you talk about having sex with me. (I can’t promise that I’ll pay attention to you when you’re yelling at me).
I’m also very well versed in the ways of love and passion and mashing moist appendages in to other moist appendages. (BTW, is a vagina considered an appendage, or is it more of a penis cubby?). I can introduce you to a whole new world of vaginal intercourse with a whole new set of sexual positions that you’ve never dreamed of. For example, I bet a beautiful megastar such as yourself has never had sex in the missionary position with the TV on as your partner (me, in this case) occasionally glances up to check how long I have until Parks and Recreation starts. As long as our sex has enough breathing room both before and after new episodes of Parks and Rec, then I will rock your world. And by saying world, I am of course implying that your vagina is a planet. I’m also very deep — spiritually, mentally, and emotionally — as evidence by my poetic comparison of your vagina to a planet that may or my not be habitable and life sustaining. That’s like poems and shit.
Of course, I may have also just implied the possibility that you’re barren and cannot have children. That’s horrible and I apologize. That, I will admit, is one of my very few downsides. Sometimes I let my similes, allegories, and metaphors get away from me and I accidentally imply that your baby machinery is broken.
I will be deeply wounded if you follow through with your plans to wed Mr. Timberlake, mostly because I will be wounded by how wounded you are when you fully understand what you’ll be missing. To give you a better idea of what you will be missing out on, here’s my projection for all of our marriage’s best moments.
2012: Married, lots of sex
2013 – 2015: Talking about doing stuff, and then never doing them
2016: One of us dies tragically. There’s no telling which one of us.
2018: After many years of grief (two), I will pick myself back up and move on with my life. Also, you’re the one that died in 2016. Man, was it tragic.
2019: I marry Allison Brie from Community and Mad Men
But she'll never replace you. Until we're married and she does.
Jessica, if you do not leave JT for me, then I’m afraid you will feel my wrath. There’s no telling what I will do, but the first deliciously evil thing that comes to mind is to change the spelling and pronunciation of your name from Jessica Biel to Jessica Bile, as in stomach acids or liver juice or whatever bile is because I didn’t pass classes when I was in school. Why Jessica Bile? Because I’m clever as f*ck and spiteful as shit.
Did I mention I didn’t pass classes?
I should really pay more attention to things.