Lindsay Lohan has had what some might call a spotted history in the limelight. It’s spotted with feces. Feces best described as shit. It’s a train wreck and that train was hauling a inordinate number of boxcars full of shit and hobos who already smelled like shit before they coincidentally got into a shitty train car. But that’s all good A wise man in a movie about crows once said it can’t rain all the time, then his dad kung-fued Chuck Norris. It can’t rain all the time for you either, Lindsay. And, in fact, the sun is about to come out in the form of three internet comedy writers who, together, can be your boyfriend. Life is getting awesomer for all of us by the second!
Lindsay, you should date the staff of Holy Taco. Read along and be seduced!
We know how to party – Have you ever partied with an internet comedy writer? If not, you’re missing out. The more a person has to live for, the more restrained and demure they tend to be in any given situation. They’ll stop short of setting fires, damaging buildings, kickboxing strangers, stripping naked and crying on the lawn, that sort of thing. A party environment is the perfect storm of unrequited feelings and glimpses into a fulfilled life they’ll never have that really destroys the psyche of an internet comedian who already has nothing. Thus, if you want to remember your next shindig, if you want to let loose but have someone else draw all the attention as the maggoty, insane bastard, you need an internet comedian. And there’s three of us! That’s three times the spectacle drawn away from you in public to make you look responsible and reasonable!
There’s three of us – Any man would want to date three women, I assume, and by the transitive properties of my lack of understanding of what transitive means, I have to assume women want three men at the same time. And not just any three men, we’ve got a shaggy stand up comedian, a Canadian and some kind of Spanish guy. Is he Mexican, is he Dominican, is he just half Asian and Native American? He’ll probably tell you on one of your dates!
We’ll steal shit for you – No one want sot see you go to prison again, unless it’s one of those Caged Heat situations where all kinds of hot lesbian shower stuff is going on. We like to think you’ll be taken in for stealing us an Xbox game or two, and then you get put up in the big house with Rosario Dawson, Eliza Dushku, Christina Hendricks and maybe Sarah Silverman, because she seems like she’d be the dude in a prison relationship. And you’d have to wash each other with a really low quality oatmeal body scrub that does an OK job of exfoliating, but kind of irritates the skin so you’re sensitive all over. Plus it doesn’t help that the prison has some hard water, so you have to scrub extra hard, all over. All over.
Anyway, point is, to avoid that, we’ll steal those Xbox games on our own. Or, you know what? We’ll buy them, We actually get paid to do this for a living!
We can roll you over to ensure you don’t swallow your tongue – The media wants to pretend you need to be responsible and set a good example, but let’s be reasonable, if anyone is letting their kids look up to a Hollywood celebrity who hasn’t converted to Buddhism, then that parent probably knows what kerosene tastes like. Speaking of, if you drink kerosene and begin to aspirate your own vomit, we’ll be there to save you!
Chicken and beer – Between the three of us you will never, ever, EVER have to ask for chicken wings or beer again, because there will always be some in the house. Always.
We can get your career back on track – There have been too many stories of movies you’ve lost out on or filmmakers who have questioned your professionalism lately. No more! What can three internet comedians do to improve your career? We have access to camera equipment, several light bulbs and a microphone. Look at this video made by one of us!
That turkey could be you, Lindsay!
Monochromatic Mystery Tour! – Lindsay, you’re pretty pale but you’re no match for a Canadian who has to spend most of his day indoors. Our managing editor looks like the armpit of an albino. At the other end of the spectrum is our Hispanic editor who always looks like he could bust out a Speedo and watch you uncomfortably from across a pool at any moment. And then, somewhere around normal flesh tone, is Jim Tews. The four of us together will look like the most boring box of Crayolas ever.
The Sexing – Three internet comedians have the combined love making skills of 1.2 regular men. That 0.2 is going to rock your world, Lindsay.
Cat Fights – A good deal of your career has been saddled with stories of your feuds with other celebrities. Are you friends with Paris Hilton? Britney Spears? Tara Reid? Doesn’t matter, we can fight all of those girls. We’ll fight any girl.
Interviews – Any good boyfriend is supportive, so three boyfriends are thrice as supportive in all arenas, including interviews. So say you need to go on the Tonight Show and Jay Leno asks you an uncomfortable question about your legal troubles, we can turn the tables by firing back at him with “Hey Leno, shut up.” And it’ll work, because even Leno knows he needs to shut up.