The world was rocked so hard on Tuesday by the revelation that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett had broken up there was an actual earthquake in Virginia felt all the way to New York, the hub of rocked revelationing. Often times looked to as the paradigm of Hollywood couples, people who aren’t bright enough to recall that something like 95% of all Hollywood couples break up eventually no matter how long they’ve been together are flabbergasted by this news. Their gast is flabbered pretty much everywhere.
As vacuous entertainment news journalists tried to put together the pieces of their shattered existences, the rest of us were forced to question how this could happen. Will Smith is the most affable man ever and they seem so damn happy together, what could have gone wrong? Did it have something to do with their obviously phony existence and their creepy child-star empire turning their kids into little ATMs to keep the family fortune growing so that it could help support the Church of Scientology? How should we know?
As it happens, the couple has denied that they have split and they’re together and all is well, but let’s be honest, it’s only a matter of time. So let’s speculate! We’ve parsed the greatest minds available to us (the janitorial staff) and come up with some likely explanations for what could happen.
Potential Reason #1
After having pledged to the Church of Scientology for some years and proved his mettle at the Box Office, the only place Scientologists actually use to gauge someone’s worthiness, Will Smith was elevated to OT VIII along with Tom Cruise, John Travolta and a handful of dirty thieves (allegedly). Unfortunately, Jada, having done nothing anyone cared about since the two Matrix sequels which kind of sucked anyway, is kept at OT V where she’s expected to pray thrice nightly to her husband’s moose knuckle as he struts about their secure Church compound in his spacely moon pants furnished by Mr. Tom Cruise himself. This disparity in rank and responsibility (Will Smith’s responsibilities include offhandedly mentioning in interviews how Scientology isn’t evil and has never harmed anyone at all, so why do people keep vilifying it? By the way, Xenu will destroy you) has soured her on the whole relationship.
Potential Reason #2
Jazz keeps coming over and “accidentally” walking in on Jada in the shower, Jada on the toilet, Jada getting changed and once on Jada giving birth. Oh that Jazz.
Potential Reason #3
Jada is actually a Thai lady boy and had skillfully been keeping it a secret all these years. Will found out when she left the seat up last week.
Potential Reason #4
After listening to Will yell “I have got to get me one of these!” for the 1000th time upon seeing Jada’s vagina, she finally snapped.
Potential Reason #5
Wild, Wild West
Potential Reason #6
They only now just realized that their son Jaden seems to be named after his mother while their daughter Willow is named after her dad. That shit is crazy, yo.
Potential Reason #7
Uncle Phil found out Will was keeping a girl and two children in his room. You know that kind of chicanery ain’t going to fly.
Potential Reason #8
After years of hiding it, Smith finally revealed to his wife that he does not, in fact, really think he could beat Mike Tyson.
Potential Reason #9
The Smiths famously admit to having an open marriage, which is a polite way of saying they bang other people but let each other know. All it takes is one errant hump of an ugly girl to make your whole open marriage come crashing down as both sides struggle to cope with why one of them felt the need to get sloppy with a CHUD.