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Why Winter Sucks

We live in Southern California for a reason: we hate winter. Winter is the time of year when every other living thing chooses to either die or hide, but for some reason we humans choose to just put on a giant coat and power through it. If you’re one of the millions of people who live in a climate that actually has a winter season, then here are some good reasons to absolutely hate it:
 
Snow
 
On a graph of Coolness, snow follows the same exact curve as showering with your dad: it might seem cool and exciting when you’re a little kid, but it really starts to suck as you get older. Especially when your dad gets to the point where he can’t control his bowels anymore.  In fact, snow is sort of Nature’s version of diarrhea. It’s not quite a solid, and not quite a liquid, but whatever it falls on it completely f*cks up. It’s sky shit, and in the winter your city is full of it.  That’s nasty, dude.
 
Ice
 
Ice is like Samantha from Bewitched: She’s only tolerable when her powers can be harnessed for your own selfish gains. If it’s floating in a glass of whiskey or giving bears a surface to play hockey on, then ice is awesome. In the wild, though, ice is a complete bitch, and if she’s left to her own, she’ll make your life a living hell.  Over the course of their life, a person who lives in a cold climate will spend an average of 12 full years scraping ice off of their windshield.  That statistic is entirely made up, but there’s still some truth behind it. And ice doesn’t only accumulate on cars, either. Ice on roadways is responsible for thousands of accidents every year, which is exactly why your insurance company will not accept "weather" as the cause of an accident, unless it can be considered an act of God.  On the plus side, though, ice has a sick sense of humor, because as horrible as slipping on ice is, there’s nothing in the world that’s funnier than seeing a fat person slip on ice in public.
 
Girls Get Fat
 

It’s a fact: people have less sex in the winter.  That alone should be enough to make you drop kick the head off of the next snowman you see and moving to a warmer climate, but it’s not just shrinkage and treacherous weather that’s keeping you from getting any action during the winter months.  Chicks get considerably less sexual as the days grow shorter and the temperature drops. They stop worrying about fitting into their swimsuits, start eating like pigs, and let their leg hair grow until it’s long enough to braid.  This all stems from one very simple fact: they know they have three months to cover every single piece of exposed skin on their body like an Inuit blubber harvester.  Drunken one night stands turn into a game of "am I really drunk enough to f*ck that hairy skin fold under all that fleece".  Hey Winter, we don’t like that game.  We don’t like it one bit.
 
It’s F*ckin’ Cold
 
You may not believe this, but apparently there are some people who enjoy living in really cold climates, where your nose runs all the time, and you can’t shower in the morning because if you leave the house with wet hair you’ll literally catch pneumonia, and you have to put on fifteen layers of clothes just to walk to the bar down the street, and once you get there it takes you 25 minutes to take off all your shit and pile it up next to you, but then right after you get done your friend is like, "oh, sweet, I just got a text from Matt. He said he wants to meet up with us at this other bar. Let’s head over there" and then you have to put all of your shit back on just so you can walk down the street with a runny nose and then have to take it all back off again. I am not one of those people.
 
Your Clothes Get All Jacked Up
 
 
If you have any clothes that you ever want to wear again, you’d better put them away for the winter. As soon as you step outside into the crisp winter day, any fabric that you’re wearing instantly becomes soaking wet.  If it’s a decent winter, then the sidewalks will be covered in salt to keep the ice from forming on the concrete, and any part of your pants that’s within three feet of the sidewalk is going to soak up salt water. Any idiot who’s been dropped into the Dead Sea from a helicopter knows that salt water does absolutely atrocious things to clothes, and during the winter your entire city is covered in the stuff.  I guess that’s why people buy those big stupid snow boots, but nobody has ever successfully picked up a chick while wearing big stupid snow boots, and anyone who says they did is a big gay liar. 

58 Responses to "Why Winter Sucks"

  1. Jack Of All Trades says:

    why are the people who run HT getting bitchier and bitchier?

  2. pratik says:

    It happens as you approach 30. It reaches the apex when you see a hot model and her birthday is the year you graduated high school. Bad times.

  3. Jambalaya says:

    “salt water does absolutely atrocious things to clothes”…gayest statement ever.

    So tell us…what’s it like to be a bunch of whimpering faggots, HT staff? Cuz that’s who this artice sounds like it was written by.

  4. sic says:

    fuck yes agreed i hatee hate hate winter so much! im going to tell my friends about the “snow=skys shit” thing and THEN see how much they still like snow!! aha!

  5. Just wondering says:

    I also hate winter, but I wonder why HT thinks people walk around in it. I’m from MT and the only time I walk in the snow (aside from snow sports) is from my front door to the car, and from the car to the front door.

  6. St. Nick says:

    Is Vancouver the only place in North America where you have to bring an umbrella everytime you go out during winter?

  7. Slow Rider says:

    I eat snow

  8. MOWREZ says:

    Fat chicks with hairy legs…my favorite

  9. Henry says:

    Move south or stop complaining you pussies! It’s a part of life, deal with it. You’re all a bunch of softies.i just love this session in other word its perfect session for love because Valentine day come in winter.

    http://ezinearticles.com/?Dual-Action-Cleanse-Reviews&id=3080046

  10. Chris says:

    How about you grow a pair, and shut the hell up.

  11. foo says:

    Anyone that can’t deal with this is a f*uckin’ pussy.
    This is no big deal.
    Jacks with your clothes.

    Pussy.

  12. Johnny Taco says:

    ROTFL, dude WInter ROCKS. Enjoy the cold weather while it lasts.

    Jess
    http://www.online-invisibility.net.tc

  13. yousuck says:

    this article was so stupid, not funny. I wasted my time reading it. you suck.

  14. danacline says:

    You’re all a bunch of whiners. If you’d rather live where it’s tropical all the time, then I hope you enjoy the constant mosquitos, spiders, fire ants, termites, and other tropical denizens. At least if you have a good winter, you only have to deal with those for a few months in the summer, not all year round.

    Besides, snow shoveling is great exercise – get off your lazy butt and get out there!

  15. Santa Claus says:

    Hey SoCal boys why don’t you get the sand out of your vagina.

  16. Bi-curious says:

    shuddit sheep fucker

  17. pale whit guy says:

    i agree with this artical axcept for the part about how chicks dont whant to have sex during the winter, i mean how else are you gonna stay warm in the dorm room or singles only apratment complex and your furnece isnt working. friction is the key to survival in winter. take “surviver” and move it to the middle of russia in the winter and put it on fox, then you’ll have a hit tv show.

  18. rodney says:

    Why can’t we all just get along?

  19. SBee says:

    I live in Minnesota. I am also female, and I am 5’6 125. And it’s winter. And my legs aren’t too bad.

    Minneapolis/ Twin Cities has been ranked 2nd most fit in the country. And what were you saying about girls getting fat in the winter, Mr. Article Writer?

  20. Trevor says:

    Winter is only epic if you live in the Southern U.S. Especially California. I just got back from Vegas and it was 45°F and windy during the day (did anyone see the Maaco Bowl??) and 28°F at night.

    Thankfully it’s a crisp 68°F in Southern CA, and I’m waking up to go surfing per Christmas tradition tomorrow morning. Time to get shacked like O’Neal brah!

  21. kansas is the place that sucks says:

    kansas is fucked man we have nice cold winters but summer is so fucking hot like 100′s and shit some times but i love the winters

  22. Pink tacos are brain food says:

    Winter blows for anyone living in the Midwest, Northeast or New England. You pussy wussies living in the southeast, southwest and Californny deserve to be freezed dried for complaining about the cold weather. I hope some 450 pound gorilla shoves icicles up your asses.

  23. Samuel Davis says:

    I like feet.

  24. wintersux says:

    winter is for commies and faggots. there’s nothing good about it

    “but it’s cuddle weather! snow is pretty!”

    shut the fuck up.

    for every pro of winter, there’s several cons.

    fatal car accidents thanks to black ice or snow, flu, power outages, frozen pipes, property damage, etc., etc., etc.

    whoever likes winter either doesn’t work in it, clean it up and just plays in it like a fuckin’ kid or needs their goddamn head examined.

  25. OmaFuck says:

    I agree totally fucking Omaha sucks, i am there and we are having our 3rd snowstorm wtf is this shit. dude, im ready to move to LA. everyone who loves winter i got somethin to tell you: fuck off this shit sucks, yall can have it, cause this bitch is out!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. Winter sucks says:

    Winter pisses me off.
    There’s nothing to do, it’s cold as fuck, as soon as you finish shoveling snow it snows again, and so on. ..
    I’m from Canada and I think someone should blow up this shit hole. . When I’m not here of coarse

  27. sean m says:

    i fucking hate winter hate the snow hate the cold you have to wear 10 layers just to walk outside always fall my ass because of ice after i am done with school i am moving down south or west ( southern california )

  28. Fuk Nut says:

    FIRST

  29. hoi says:

    take back x-mas! = http://bit.ly/4IPtNC

  30. Vonshine says:

    Good thing you dont live Quebec, it’s -4 ºF down here right now.

  31. Heywood Jablomie says:

    Down here? The only person that lives above you is Santa Clause.

  32. Santa Clause says:

    Fucking Canadians…. abooooooooot

  33. 'nonymous says:

    Fucking Americans…..Y’all getter done ya herr?

  34. Daniel Lawrence Whitney says:

    You spelled Git-R-Done! wrong fuktard.

  35. Canuck says:

    I live up in Canada as well and I must say winter isn’t the best season but have you ever been to-booze-ening it makes it all worth it.
    Plus there is no road construction in the winter.

  36. S**T Does HAPPEN says:

    Canada…we’re BIGGER… We RULE and We’re ON TOP if we were in PRISON… America would be our BITCH…

    And not ONCE in my life have i heard anyone say Abooot, except for stupid americans who try and act like canadians in a tourist country that HATES AMERICANS…

  37. incorrects says:

    That’s why California is the shit. It’s 60 degrees in San Jose right now and it’s 10:30 a.m. in the middle of December.

  38. pratik says:

    Hey it’s been rainy here lately, but that’s ok. It only rains like four times a year.

  39. DaveLovesBacon says:

    I was just in San Jose and it was like 34….I am back in Tampa and complaining that it is 59!!

  40. FlaFla Flappie says:

    Northern California sucks donkey balls.

  41. Steve Smith says:

    wrong

  42. Al-P says:

    you shut your fucking mouth flappie
    p.s. winter AND norcal’s the shit. if you don’t like it, move to some third world country south of the US and you won’t have to deal with the shit. you’ll have shit to deal with, just not winter. or norcals awesomeness.

  43. Hugh Jorgan says:

    WINTER IS THE FUCKING BOMB!! Move south or stop complaining you pussies! It’s a part of life, deal with it. You’re all a bunch of softies.

  44. Zippo says:

    How are those forest fires working out for you?

  45. 'nonymous says:

    I misspelled ‘Git-R-Done’? Guess I’ll have to take your word for it Daniel, because after all who better to know the spelling of ‘Git-R-Done’ than a hillbilly moron like yourself (well I guess maybe your wife/sister).

  46. JohnnyBeerDrinker says:

    I’m from Florida and i had to scrape the ice of my car with the only thing i had…….a wooden spatula

  47. Santa Claus says:

    Do you not have a garage? What the hell is that thing cars come with now days? Oh yeah! A fucking defroster.

  48. Big Gay Liar says:

    I picked up a chick in snow boots.

  49. Big Gay "Chick" In Snow Boots says:

    I’m a dude…. faaaaaggggg.

  50. Heywood Jablomie says:

    I live in Wisconsin and I can attest to everything that you said in this post as truth. And now it looks like we have blizzard coming on Xmas eve. FUCK!!!

  51. Brit Farvre says:

    Fuck you, cheesehead.

  52. Lacy says:

    Yep its supposed to blizzard on thursday.. I hate living here in Wisconsin.. oh well.

  53. goofball says:

    just got burried in 21+ inches on sunday. the northeast ain’t much better…

  54. pie says:

    cali is soft

  55. Cat man due says:

    Agreed! Why I live in Southern AZ vs CO with my family.

  56. Stick says:

    Wow, looks like the Holy Taco staff are a bunch of pussies.

  57. supermanlymangunowner says:

    seriously, im a huge fan of fanny bangin some hairy chick with a foopa

  58. Hairy Chick says:

    Aye papi damelo!