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Why You Should Be Afraid of Government Spy Satellites

Stop what you’re doing. You just got had by the government and now, somewhere in Langley, there’s a dude doing what you were just doing watching you do it. If all that’s too coy for you, Holy Taco is going on record, right now, to say that if you were just masturbating, government spy satellites recorded the whole thing while another guy manning the control room masturbated to your masturbation. The US government has created a daisy chain of voyeuristic wanking and no one can stop it. CNN explains it a little better.


So law enforcement and civilian agencies will now be allowed to use spy satellites to see what you’re doing. This breeds fear and paranoia. And you may be in your tub right now playing with some plantains and Play Doh Fun Factory wondering what the big deal is, what are people so afraid of. Well brother, here’s what people are so afraid of.

Wank Videos – As we already mentioned, it’s you touching yourself that ceiling cat watches and that is what the big cat in the big ceiling is likely to be watching as well. Any time a city puts up cameras or a government starts accessing our proctological records, the media jumps on it like a dock whore on a Cheez-it and convinces everyone that 1984 is on the horizon even though half the people who get their panties in a bunch think George Orwell is famous for making popcorn. And this is the reason why.

For whatever reason, we’re convinced that we’ll lose the ability to masturbate freely. Aside from the exhibitionist population who welcome their satellite overlords with open arms and legs, the rest of us will be huddled over all gloomy under a sheet with goggles on for the rest of our lives if word gets out Russian spy satellites are streaming our jerk off activities onto the internet. It’s a fearsome prospect and probably the most reasonable of all arguments against this perceived invasion of privacy.

Criminal Activity – The thing about freedom is it’s a two sided coin. On the one hand we have all these freedoms to enjoy and it’s awesome that we’re so privileged. On the other hand, people see an opening and want to jam their fist right in it, harkening back to our dock whore metaphor. In this case, the people bitching about their loss of freedoms and privacy are not unlike the people who protest against homosexuality despite obviously being angry closet homosexuals themselves or call all Muslims terrorists because they’re clearly idiots and think Muslim is a country. Likewise, the people protesting the government spy cams do so because they’re criminals who want to have secret, deep woods rallies with their militia where they can distribute illegal, automatic weapons, then drink beers and have so much gay sex.

Bad Habits – Sometimes if you walk down the street at night a streetlight will turn off when you’re right under it. Most of us recognize this as either a fluke, or some scheduled event. Dimwits think they have powers of electromagnetism and remember how the same thing happened 6 years ago, thus confirming their suspicion.

As it relates to government spy satellites, the same self-centered stupidity may apply. With 300 million people in the US, you may have trouble making a case for why the government chooses to watch you in particular, but that’s neither here nor there. If you’re convinced they are watching you, you may as well be convinced they’re just waiting to catch you smoking too close to a bank entrance or shitting on the hood of your neighbor’s car so they can send the paddy wagon out to round up your felonious ass. Every terrible act and bad habit you have will be on display and they’ll know. And even if they don’t arrest you, they still may send out high resolution photos of that shit just as it’s passing your event horizon to all your relatives at Christmas. And why would they do that? Because they’re assholes, that’s why.

Adultery – Like wanking but not as lonely, adultery as a pastime has a lot to lose in a world of satellite tracking. Clearly adulterers would be up in arms if they thought civilian based agencies, like that obnoxious ass hat from the show Cheaters, would have access to satellites. No one would even need to chase you to a restaurant anymore where you’ve gone to meet BlubberBuster69 from that Yahoo chat room, they could just watch you from across town as you lead her back to your car, then focus in on the windows as you both try to fit awkwardly in a captain’s chair.

ATM Numbers – Next to wanking, this is the most plausible misuse of the satellite power we can think of, provided you live in a world in which Bruce Willis is a typical cop. If that were the case, it seems almost guaranteed that Christopher Walken or Ray Liotta would be running a sinister empire that would somehow use satellite surveillance to bilk the good people of the world of their hard earned bank account savings. It would not, however, be anything like Eagle Eye.

Lazy Assery – Few people are particularly proud of their slothfulness. We try to do it in secret. We surf the internet at work while having a dozen extra work windows open that we can flick to in an emergency, we drink milk from the carton and put it back empty, we shit on the hoods of our neighbors’ cars. The natural fear in this whole satellite deal is that if people start watching us, they’e going to see how little we do all the time. Most of us probably pack an 8 hour work day into a solid three hours with the rest nothing but bullshit, we don’t need our bosses knowing about that. If our boss knew how often we put an article on hold to look at Russian porn he’d be ever so disappointed. And possibly nauseated by The Girls of Chernobyl box set we ordered.

One Response to "Why You Should Be Afraid of Government Spy Satellites"

  1. office jerk says:

    “And even if they don’t arrest you, they still may send out high resolution photos of that shit just as it’s passing your event horizon to all your relatives at Christmas.”

    you guys are on a fucking ROLL today! keep it up