Hey there, sweetness, you’re lookin’ mighty fine.
Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there. I was talking to myself. Yes kids, Holy Taco is presenting to you an unprecedented opportunity – a date with this website. Never dated a website before? No worries, as editor, I can let you know what may be in store for you. I can’t 100% guarantee what will happen as I’m no psychic. I don’t have access to other worldly knowledge. I’m not “tuned in.” I don’t “sober up” to write articles. I’m not “entirely aware” of what all these words even mean. But I do know this website. Because I write it. All. Day. Long. Mmm.
So if you want to court Holy Taco, you’re going to want to be prepared. Holy Taco, all 576 pages of it, is intense. It’s not going to take you to see Titanic 3D, unless it’s to poop in the middle of the aisle during that scene where Jack is drawing Roses’ boobies. You like pooping in aisles during boobie scenes in movies, right? Don’t answer that, I know you’ve never experienced it. You never dated a guy who had the charisma to do that before because no guy ever would. Just this website. Charisma. Up the ass. Right up it.
Holy Taco takes public transportation. Because it’s cheap? Ha! Yes. But also because public transportation is where shit gets real. The bus is like mind sex with a hooker made out of slightly greasy ecstasy. Driving around in a Prius can’t begin to compare because driving around in a Prius is like mind sex with shredded wheat on your deathbed when you’re too high on painkillers to even know it’s happening and the only reason to even make note of it is that your family is gathered around and this will be their final memory of you. Just there, rutting against shredded wheat. Jesus…
Look at what shit happened on a bus. Look!
Yeah, you can’t be surprised if that happens on your date. Like, you can, but it’d be silly since we just prepared you.
Holy Taco doesn’t like to eat at restaurants. Instead, be ready for a picnic. Some granola bars, some Capri Sun and gin, maybe a ham. Yes, that sounds just about right. Do you like kielbasa? There will be kielbasa. Do you like Jerusalem artichoke? Don’t even know where to buy those, so maybe pack your own.
What will the evening have in store? Arson, but the barely illegal kind is always on the table. Remember, burning a building down is generally OK with the fire department if the people in the building were assholes. It’ll be so awesome we’ll have to pause for a round of sack taps. No sack? Bring one, baby.
After the fire maybe we can go dancing. Break dancing. Back alley dance fighting. Never been dance fighting? It’s how Vin Diesel died (God rest his soul).
Yes, the evening promises to be supremely intense but the question is, how bad do you want it? If you want to win a date with Holy Taco, you need to prove yourself the best date in the bunch. How? What am I, a professor? You figure it out. Comment, email, kidnap, destroy, do whatever you need to do. The winner gets a shot at love, the losers will get signed nude photos (nude models to be determined at a later date). Go forth! Date Holy Taco!