Okay, we know that most of the people who read this site are dudes. But, there are a decent number of females who read as well, and they’re constantly writing in to us, bitching about how we never do anything for them. That’s right, they actually write in to complain. Shocking, I know, that women would do that. So, the other day we were talking about how we could give something back to the ladies, and then it hit us. This is Tyler.
Tyler works in our office. Not for us, just in our offices. Pretty much every woman who walks into the office finds a reason to talk to Tyler, ranging from "Um, do you know where they keep (insert item that they know the exact location of). Thanks. Hey, that’s a cool shirt," even though Tyler’s wearing a shirt that was given to him for participating in a 10k.
Anyway, the point is, ladies seem to like Tyler, even though he swears they don’t. He’s being humble. He’s 6’4" and looks like the son Hitler always wanted. But he’s a good dude, and we decided to offer up a date with him to our lady readers, paid for by us (if you live in the Los Angeles area).
Now, this is a site for dudes, so we can’t in good conscience only give away a date with a dude. I mean, what the f*&k, right? Right. So, we’re also giving away a copy of GUITAR HERO METALLICA!!!! OH YEAH!
Find out how to win either, after the jump:
Here’s how this works:
DUDES: Enter your best pick-up line in the comments section, and if we choose yours, you win a copy of Guitar Hero Metallica.
LADIES: Enter your best pick-up line in the comments section, and if we chose yours, you win a copy of the game, as well as a date with Tyler, if you live in the L.A. Area. If you do live in the L.A. area specify by writing "L.A." before you pick up line. If you don’t, you can still win the game.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Or:Hey, does this drink taste like rohypnol to you?
Hey, don’t worry, I’m probably not gonna rape you….yet.
As long as I have a face you will always have a place to sit
I see you noticed me breathing heavily into your ear from behind you.
Excuse me. I just shit my pants… Can I get in yours?
If you eyes were marbles, they’d be the hella cool marbles.
“Get in the god damned van or, so help me god, I will eat your soul?”
Too forward?
Was your father a thief? Cause some asshole stole my wallet… Wanna fuck?
Hey baby, are you sleepy, or has that pill not kicked in yet?
Hey beautiful, do you like tacos? Yeah? Well have you ever heard of Holy Taco????
Yeah, well they probably haven’t heard of you either, BITCH!!!!!
Do you have any raisins?
No?
How about a date?
Oy vey,lets go out to dinner and I can guarantee not to stick you in oven. (Because I’m a jew)
Me to guy: Seeing you was worth getting all wet for.
Guy to me: It was raining? You don’t look wet to me.
Me to guy: Well, I haven’t taken my pants off yet…
Baby, you’re so gorgeous I wanna suck the dick of the last man who fucked you.
Fuck me, and I’ll never look at another horse.
You see that shadow over there, it just stole your bike.
Do you know the difference between jam and jelly? Well I cant very well jelly my cock down your throat can I ?
**please note this is not an entry to win a date with tyler even though it looks like this line would probably work on him
I think Jason should win, but:
“Hey, do you see my friend over there? Yeah, he was wondering if you wanted to fuck the shit out of me tonight.”
You: Hey, can I give you an Australian kiss?
Her: Uh, what’s that?
You: It’s like a French kiss except down under.
Who farted?
NICEEEEE.. isnt he SUNSHINE from that Disney moving called Remember the TITANS….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_goSMl1JKi0
Yes!
what??? the doctor said it’s not contagious, i got some ointment for it, and it will be gone in a couple days.
5 dollah, 5 dollah foot long.
Soo…its $400 for the hour right?
I want to have an orgasm inside your body.
(move index finger signaling a girl over) Hey babe if I can make you come with one finger imagine what I can do with all of them (follow up with movement of all fingers)
Guy: Excuse me miss are your parents retarded?
Girl: No, why?
Guy: Because you are so special.
Excuse me miss, My penis just died. Do you mind if I bury it in your ass?
That is one fantastic hiney, I mean it, that thing’s good.
Was your father an elk hunter? ‘Cause you got an incredible rack.
you win
My penis hooks upwards in the shape of a J. Would you mind coming over to my place 3 times a week and work it back straight?
“I have lots of money.”
ME: Has any one ever told you, that you have the eyes of a beautiful unicorn princess?
GIRL: Take off your pants.
Guy: You look like you were a mixed baby. I’m half-black myself… from the waist down, that is.
Nice shoes, wanna f***?
Nice shoes. Let’s fuck.
dirtbag comment
There is no us, with out you,
XD Good one, I bet that totally works.
wow, dude, thats not even funny.
My penis is 3 inches…from the ground.
Like fruit? Wanna suck my plums?
Anyone want to go halvesees on a bastard child?
I wish I were a vampire to suck your menstruation out.
Hey hey calm down lady, lets not turn this rape into a murder
Me: “Excuse me would you like go home and fuck?”
Girl: “um…no!”
Me: “Come on, don’t be choosy, I wasn’t!”
Him: I bet your mother is just like laundry detergent
me: how so?
Him: She takes 100 loads including colored
me: you can’t say colored anymore
Him: Wanna do it in my pick up truck
me: as long as you follow the rhythm method
Holy taco…why can’t women make up funny pick up lines…. We choose the best? Should be be baking a pie? I understand I am not allowed to wear shoes except for slippers in the kitchen but this is redonkulous.
“How’s about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?”
bonus points for boombox soundtrack.
WE HAVE A WINNER!
Made me cry.
“Well, it’s not going to suck itself.”
I’m kind of a big deal… I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
Are you from the Netherlands? Because you are one big dyke
lol
“If Princess Toadstool looked like you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.”
How would you like to receive a check from me every week for the next 18 years.
Easter’s coming up, right? Can I paint your eggs?
“You have 206 bones in your body. Want one more?”
Let’s just get the niceties out of the way, shall we? According to Megan’s Law, I’m required to tell you that..
corny, but hilarious
“Hey baby. I just want you to know that I’m an interior decorator… and I think I should help you paint your inner walls white.”
did you eat lucky charms this morning? because you look magically delicious!
You remind me of this chick I killed back in college. Don’t worry, she was a bitch.
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Do you know the difference between rape and consentual sex? If it’s consentual you get to live.
Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.
Can I smell your pussy? No? Oh, then it must be your ass.
Excuse me, I’d like to pickets to titsburgh.
Hey, does this smell like chloroform?
Me so horny. Me love you long time.
If being sexy was a crime I’d Rodney King your ass.
You’re a real babe….you know like the pig who gets lost in the city.
bwahahaha
Excuse me my friend over there wants to know if u think i’m cute.
I get 6 more beers in me and you’re getting lucky tonight!
Cable TV.
I’ve got 40 million I need to hide somewhere fast, how fast is your house from here?
Awesome. Just… awesome.
WTF? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey baby are you retarded? because you sure look special.
ahh, classic
You have a nice face, can I fuck it?
Do you work at Subway? Cause every time I see you I get a foot-long.
Hi there, my name’s Josh. What’s your name? No way, that’s the name of my next girlfriend!
LA: I want you to snowball my smegma.
I was about to go out to my car to make out. Want to join me?
no, but seriously, Bill should win
Do you know the difference between sugar and sweet n low? This is sugar (kiss cheek gently) and this is sweet n low (grab back of head and push it to your crotch) This works 60% of the time, ALL the time.
L.A.
Is that a keg in your pants? Cuz I’m tryin’ to tap that!
TWO pickets to titsburgh…….duh
Guy: My magic watch tells me you’re not wearing panties.
Girl: But I am wearing panties.
Guy: Oh, it must be running an hour fast…
In the case she calls you a pervert or rude reply with, “My magic watch is now telling me you’re a bitch. Gotta run.”
Man: Would you like to dance? Woman: No thank you. Man: I’m sorry you must have misunderstood me, I said ‘You look fat in those pants’!
LA
Dude: “How do you like your eggs?”
Chick: “Fertilized.”
Thank god I brought my library card – cause im’ma checkin you out
Guy: Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Girl: um… I don’t know
Guy: I don’t either, but it’s gotta be enough to break the ice. My name’s [John, Mike, Dan, etc...]
Wanna grab a slice of pizza and go fuck?
….
What’s the matter? You don’t like pizza?
LOL.
Totally awesome xD.
hey tyler its your brother’s best friend. wanna do it?
If I were an enzyme, I’d be helicase- so I could unzip your genes.
I have Hot Cheetos and Jack Daniels back at my place. Let’s party!
Wanna play house? I’ll be the door and you can bang me all night.
IN (Indiana. Like L.A., but better.)
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
I was thinkin’ about masturbating later and wanted to know if I could put a name to the face…
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
This line only works when you’re in a totally bizarre place, and it’s worked for me so, so many times.
First, take stock of the situation. Find a way to be standing unintentionally close to your target, to the point of there being a moment of half silence. Examples, elevator ride, waiting in line at grocery, AA meeting.
Then, make eye contact, laugh, pause, and according to situation…. ‘What’s a nice guy like you doing in an elevator like this’…. “What’s a nice guy like you doing in a line like this”… “what’s a nice guy like you confessing you years of crippling alchohol depency in a place like this”
End with a smile. Wait for a chuckle… then, the other person (unless certifiably retarded) will usually say what they’re doing.
You just creepily hit on someone and made it look like a clever joke. Congrats. Now find out his name and internet stalk him ladies.
This requires a packet of real sugar that just says SUGAR on it.
“You dropped your name tag.” Then walk away to your table.
They come to you 90% of the time.
Alright, I think “Stinky Taint” should win. That had me cracking up.
never mind…you can.
Holy taco was right all women are dumb and can’t read.
it’s actually “Pursuant to Megan’s law, i am required to inform you that i am a registered sex offender, What’s your name?” -slingblade in “the austin road trip” story… you not the only fan of TuckerMax.com. and what the fuck? the ladies get a dude the dudes get a toy? what happens if the date goes well? i get to fuck my xbox?
i think this guy should win
Tucket Max is the biggest douchbag on the planet though his friends follow at a close second…. but damn he writes some funny shit.
not bad
You don’t sweat much for a fat chick.
Hey..I got candy and puppies in my trunk…wanna see?
(Man must be looking sad/unahppy at the bar/restaurant/park bench/etc.)
Lady: You look sad. What’s wrong?
Man: Well its just that recently my dick died, so I was wondering if I might be able to give it a proper burial in your ass/vagina/mouth/breasts.
Hey, that shirt is very becoming on you. If I were that shirt, I would be cuming on you too.
The girl who wins the date will make a nice lampshade in his apartment… judging by the looks of this creeper
And I presumes he’s gay to make chicks jealous.
Hey! Are you Mormon? Because you can call me Joseph Smith all night long.
L.A.
I have AIDS, you want ‘em?
I need to take a shit… wanna come?
I like my women like I like my eggs. Fertilized.
I have a penis so let’s have sex
If you were a booger, I’d pick you.
though you generally don’t want the girls that works one.
1) Hey baby want to play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow me up.
This isn’t a pick up line but: TYLER I WANT TO CUP YOUR BALLSACK AS YOU SPRAY ME DOWN WITH LOVE SAUCE…THEN I WANT TO EAT PEANUTS OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE WHILE U PLAY GUITAR HERO
“Let’s go back to my place and do all the things I’m going to tell my friend we did anyways.”
Excuse me… there’s something on your ass…
Oh wait… it’s my eyes.
In Soviet Russia Cock sucks you
Cock. Mouth. Now.
You have beautiful eyes……wanna blow me?
Your sooooo hot I would eat the corn out of your shit!
Excuse me, if you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
This one is sure to swoon all the ladies with it’s subtle charm and oodles of class.
“Hi there, I just wanted to say your outfit is very becoming on you. Of course if I was on you I’d be cumming too!”
Try and keep the chicks off you after that doozy.
Please?
Nice shoes..wanna fuck?
Let’s go home, Mom.
Nice shoes, wanna fuck?