Atlanta’s finest, Jennifer Mayerle, asks the tough questions.
Making fun of a local news broadcast is like cheating at skee-ball. Sure, it’s fun, but there’s absolutely no sport in it. The programming has devolved to such a point that you might as well be making fun of some poor retarded kid. But every once in a while, a story comes along that’s so insulting, even to a man of my limited intelligence, that I can’t help myself. This hard-hitting exposé is one such story.
Atlanta is the 9th largest city in the United States, which means CBS Atlanta reaches millions of viewers in the Atlanta metro area. As such, the CBS Atlanta news team has a duty to provide information and commentary that is relevant to their viewing audience. Therefore, what does it say about the people of the Atlanta metro area when, out of all the news that’s fit to print (or film, as the case maybe be), CBS Atlanta goes with the story on pet reincarnation?
CBS Atlanta’s Jennifer Mayerle: “There’s a local woman writing books about pet reincarnation. Don’t believe in it? Take a look, and decide for yourself.”
I understand that in matters of faith, it’s best not to make assumptions about people’s beliefs. But if you honestly believe that members of your viewing audience think their house pets are being reincarnated, perhaps a segment entitled, “Breaking News: Your Dog Is Dead, and It’s Not Coming Back” is in order. However, CBS Atlanta feels differently. Rather than inform those who believe in pet reincarnation that their beliefs have no basis in reality, the station asks viewers who aren’t imbeciles to keep an open mind on the matter.
Now, asking viewers to give the idea of pet reincarnation a chance would make sense if CBS Atlanta had uncovered evidence suggesting that pets were, in fact, returning from the dead. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. What they did find was Mary MacQueen, a nice, but lonely woman who spends way too much f*cking time with her cat.
MacQueen: “When Rhett Butler died, it was very traumatic.”
Jesus Christ. I don’t mean to stereotype, but in my experience, if someone is giving their pet a first and last name, and the last name does not match that of the owner, they are absolutely f*cking insane. Sure, Mary might be a very nice person, but even before the idea of reincarnation enters into play, she’s on the record talking about a ghost cat in her home. Perhaps she’s not exactly an unbiased opinion on the matter. None the less, CBS Atlanta uses her as a source, since she feels that her newest cat, Thomas Jefferson, is the reincarnation of the dearly departed Rhett Butler.
Pet Reincarnation Expert, Mary MacQueen
MacQueen: “He seems to have so many of the same personality characteristics (as Rhett). He follows me around constantly.”
First of all, I get the impression that the real name of this cat is Jefferson Davis, and Thomas Jefferson was only used for the broadcast. Second, how many f*cking personality characteristics can a cat have? It’s a f*cking cat! Did they both have a good sense of humor? Are they both smoking the same brand of cigars? No, the characteristic they both have in common is that they follow you around. Well stop the god damn presses, we’ve got our lead! “Cat Follows Woman Who Feeds It.” Using this logic, my mother-in-law’s cat must be the reincarnation of my senile grandfather. Just like my grandfather, the cat never remembers who I am, and if I sneak up on it, it will shit itself. Good to see you, grampy. Here’s some tuna.
Now, to CBS Atlanta’s credit, they dug a little deeper and found out that MacQueen was not the brains behind this operation. It was her friend, B. Brent Atwater, who introduced her to the idea of pet reincarnation, a subject she claims to have spent 15 years studying. Some people study the liberal arts. Others study science. This twunt (figure it out) studies pet reincarnation. Where does one go to study such a topic? Harvard? Yale? DeVry?
Atwater: “Everybody goes, ‘What do you mean? Pet reincarnation can’t be real.’ And I go, ‘Yes it’s real.’”
Well, I never thought about it that way. What a persuasive argument! Did you start out as a lawyer, Ms. Atwater, because I know if they were trying to put my ass in the clink, I’d want you on my side. What’s your secret?
Author and Twunt, B. Brent Atwater
Atwater: “I think the best way to convince someone is to not convince them.”
Holy Christ! That’s some Jedi Mind-Trick shit, right there! They should call you Obi-Wan Atwater. No wonder CBS Atlanta did a story about you. If anyone else claimed that their dog had been reincarnated five times, I’d think they should be locked away. But not you! You’re an author!
Just when I think it can’t get any better, CBS Atlanta’s Jennifer Mayerle, who is, no doubt, proud of her career and doesn’t cry herself to sleep every night, decides to go for the Pulitzer.
Mayerle: "Atwater says your pet could come back as something different than before if another animal or breed better suits your current lifestyle."
Well, isn’t that convenient! Not only are our pets reincarnating, but they are coming back in a form that fits our busy modern lifestyle. I mean, maybe Mr. Whiskers wanted to come back as a tiger, or an eagle or anything that wasn’t forced to live with an elderly woman and shit in a box. But screw him. He’s coming back as a goldfish because that’s all grandma can have at the nursing home.
In the entire segment, not one question was asked. It was just a bunch of crazy women talking. I find that fact odd, considering the segment carries the slogan, "We ask the tough questions." On their website, CBS Atlanta’s headline for this story is “Woman Says Pets Can Reincarnate.” Considering the woman in the story was asked to present absolutely no evidence, the headline could just as easily have been “Man Says His Dick is Made of Candy.” Why not? Kudos to you, CBS Atlanta. You’ve lowered the bar for local news, yet again. (Source)