Do you know Kenny Powers? You should. Not only is Kenny Powers a formidable force of athletic power, an icon of style, a powerful CEO of a major shoe company and a connoisseur of awesome haircuts, he’s a role model. Is this sarcastic? As Kenny might say “f*ck no.” Only that asterisk wouldn’t be there. It’d be a u. He’d say the f word. He says it a lot. Like a f*cking role model.
The fact that Kenny Powers is fictional should in no way stop you from ignoring that fact. For one, despite being fictional, he has his own Twitter account and, as mentioned, he runs a shoe company. Do you know how many fictional CEOs there are in the world? There’s actually a lot, and they funnel money in illegal ways to real people, but nevermind that. Most of those CEOs don’t appear in commercials with a foul mouth. But Kenny Powers does.
You should watch Eastbound and Down if you want to learn how to live like Kenny Powers but today, we want you to work your job like Kenny Powers. And since you’re not Kenny Powers, you’re going to have to learn how to adapt, bitches.
Who do you work with? Dale in accounting? Dale in accounting if a pussy, f*ck Dale in accounting. If Dale in accounting is on fire, you better not even think to take a drink of that special soy milk bullshit he brings to work so that you can muster up a piss to put him out. He had his chance and nature chose to incinerate his ass. You need to work with awesome.
Kenny Powers hired Patrick Willis, Rey Mysterio and Jillian Michaels. You don’t know any of those people. You probably just had to Google one. That’s bullshit and your coworkers know it and they won’t respect you for it. Dale, before he died in that blaze, said you smell like shit. Are you going to let Dale get away with that? F*ck no.
In lieu of real celebrities who you may not even know, the cardboard standee is your best friend. Best friend who won’t sleep with your woman because if he did you’d fire a rocket ship of pain right into his urethra. Come to work with a life sized cardboard cutout of Bruce Lee and see who thinks they can tell you to work late or come in on the weekend. Does your boss think that? A cardboard Bruce Lee cock slap to the face will make him rethink his shit. Get yourself a cardboard Lou Ferrigno in there too and he can stand in your spot while you go take a 3 hour piss. No one’s questioning the Hulk. That shit’s brilliant.
F*ck. Listen, the business world is ruled by old fashioned pussy whipped etiquette. Do you want to be a part of a system created by mother*ckers too dumb to even still be alive anymore? If you answered that with anything other than “f*ck no”, don’t even go to work tomorrow, because you just fired yourself. The fact that this article is so full of asterisks should make you so full of goddamn rage you’re thinking of throwing this computer into a den of tigers so they can eat it and shit it out and bury the shit in a pile where they keep their tiger shit because that’s what it is, shit. But don’t! Keep reading, this shit’s important.
The business world can kiss your ass and wash your balls and thank you for the opportunity. Who the f*ck goes through life saying please and thank you and shaking everyone’s hands while they make deals to sell f*ckin’ hamburgers and grass skirts and shit? Pussies. You need to go into your business meetings in a kick ass suit or windbreaker or whatever and be like “F*ckers, this is how it is. We sell hamburgers for $2 now and grass skirts are $5. Get me paid or shut the f*ck up. In fact, do both. I’m out.” That’s when you go have a drink and bill it to the company.
F*ck, this advice is so good I think I might delete it, use it to get rich and powerful and shit, and then hire you to work in one of my Chinese sweatshops because you sucked at being awesome after you didn’t hear my awesome-ass advice.
This is an addendum to that previous point and addendum sounds like pudendum and that shit means pussy or ass or something. Wherever you work right now, probably the craziest shit that ever went down was that one time Dale in accounting, before the blaze, forgot his epi pen and panicked because a bee got into the office. Honestly, how you’ve managed to work there so long without offing everyone with a shotgun is f*cking mind blowing.
Don’t settle for boring, because everyone does that shit and if you want boring, you’ll go watch European baseball. You gotta take the bull by the horns and by horns I mean dick and by bull I mean yourself. Own that shit. Take your extraordinary hair and go in there and be better than everyone and make sure they know it. If you sit in your swivel chair and type all kinds of e-chats and twitters and shit, you know what? You didn’t just fail yourself, you failed…well, no, you f*cked up pretty bad. Don’t do that.
What you need to do sometimes is stand up in the middle of the day and start barking orders, people need a leader. Your boss hasn’t been lead in so long he’s a complete dick about being the leader, straighten him out. Make him get you some coffee – two milk, two sugar, two beers, forget the coffee. Then make sure he thanks you and if even a drop of sass falls from his lips, you need to do some quick math on how valuable it’s going to be to slap some respect into that mouth. Kenny Powers would not let a bitch in that vagtatsic tie give him any sass, he’d drop kick him so hard it’d travel through time and make his ten year old self shit thanks to a damaged colon that will haunt him through all his years.
Make it Sexy
You probably have an HR girl where you work and odds are she never shows her tits. Can a dude be an HR girl? F*ck no, that doesn’t even make sense. Consider paying a girl to come into work with you, a prostitute if you will, to help boost morale. And boners. There’s a serious scientific link between boners and morale, I had people look into it. Working is depressing as f*ck when all you have to look at all day is Dale in accounting, or the scorch mark where he used to be. Better get some ass in there shaking it to a decent beat. That idea is so good you could patent it and sell it al Wal Mart in a 2 pack of ass that comes with free hand sanitizer that smells like menthol cigarettes.
Too often in work people get stuck in ruts, and rut is just a fancy word for bullshit. Like say you work in an old folks home and all you do all day is roll old folks over so their shit doesn’t make them stick to the mattress, you’re going to lose your shit real soon. Not as soon as those old people, but we’re talking metaphorical shit right now. Point is, shake shit up. Maybe you can’t go to the moon, star in a cartoon and tackle a wildebeest, but shit, you can probably steal office supplies or set Dale in accounting on fire then act like you didn’t. Don’t be a bitch.