As you know thanks to the title of this post, it’s World No Tobacco Day, the grammatically lazy day where we all promise to just puff instead of chain smoking those menthols the way grandma did back when she was doing all the guys at the malt shop. Holy Taco finds this goal admirable as no one should be forced to grow into the decrepit old emphysema-ridden trollop grandma has become. Smokers, this one’s for you!
Hey Robert Pattinson, you’re famous for being in Twilight and apparently being mildly bitter and embarrassed that you’re famous for that reason. We understand how your subconscious mind wants to rub you out with cancer but know this – if you kill yourself, even subconsciously, then according to Christian doctrine your soul is damned and you will go to Hell. And if Hell is any different than a 24/7 Twilight marathon I will eat my hat.
You’re some guy with a lot of tattoos, a face piercing and dog tags. Plus a Misfits shirt. Are you famous? I can’t be bothered to find out. You might just be a solider in a really disorganized army and, as such, cigarettes are your only friend. They are warmth in the cold, dark night of your soul. They are a beacon of light when you sit in shadow, stalking your enemy, who may be a hipster or a jock or some other easily identifiable clique that clashes with your own. War is Hell. But remember, good soldier – cigarettes can cause impotence. Impotence that will destroy your two weeks of shore leave when you stop in Fiji before you have to storm some beach. Do you want to be the only member of your platoon mercilessly smashing your flaccid, withered and pathetic penis with mismatched cutlery and exotic fruits while your mates are all boning Fijian delights? NO!
The title of this GIF is “catwoman smoking” but I don’t think that’s catwoman. It’s just a sad lady whose terrible habit has rendered her so poor she can’t even afford nail clippers. Look at those talons, she’s like a plucked owl that loves Marlboros. Watch her disjointed, smoky hooting. It’s almost hypnotic. Poor thing. Owl lady, you need to put those cigarettes down! I don’t give a rat’s ass how delicious flavor country is, you need to grow out your flight feathers and do your nails, for the love of Pete! How do you wipe? How?!?
Hey David Bowie, you’re pretty awesome. Except for this video, which I think we can all blame on cigarettes.
Do you know what’s sadder than this smoking crab? That Mick Jagger/David Bowie video. But if we ignore that, we’re forced to acknowledge this plucky, young crustacean in all his tar and tobacco-infused glory, just sitting on some kind of blue plate, sucking back on the rich, filtered freshness of a Lucky Strike. What’s he thinking? Is he thinking he’s the blue plate special? Is he thinking he doesn’t even have the proper lungs for this sort of thing? Or how can he merge the crazy worlds of fire and water to sate his forbidden lust after he’s done this cigarette since science assures us that 9 out of every 10 crabs that attempt to smoke can’t even work the lighter let alone get the cigarette lit under water?
In years to come, psychologists will likely still be pondering what it is that makes a GIF of a two year old boy smoking funny. I don’t know that they’ll ever figure it out. But in the end, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey that matters. The journey that takes us past this hilariously inappropriate child smoking. Oh man. Good one