Explore Holy Taco

World’s First Gay Caveman Discovered. Seriously.

The remains of a 5,000 year old man have been discovered and archaeologists believe that he may have been homosexual. Because he was buried like a woman.

Archaeologists have unearthed a man from somewhere between 2900 and 2500 B.C. and they discovered that he was buried in a manner that typically, only women were buried in. Most men were buried with their heads pointing towards the west, while this fella was buried with his head facing to the east. Initially, one might assume that this was a sweet prank played on the caveman by his caveman buddies. “Hey, look, we buried him like a chick!” then a round of the caveman equivalent of high fives would ensue. But members of this culture took burials incredibly seriously, so that’s not the case.

The way the man was buried was not the only indication of his sexual orientation. Several other things were discovered that indicated the man was gay or transgendered. His remains were found near an extremely large pile of furs and arrowheads, which were used as currency in the copper age. His excess of these items indicated that he had a large amount of disposable income. Most likely because he didn’t have a wife or children.

Several cave paintings also adorned the walls of the man’s quarters, but they were incredibly tasteful, slightly erotic, and really well done. According to archaeologists, a large bearskin was found in the center of the mans cave, as well as several symmetrical rocks that appeared to be the copper age equivalent of furniture.

The full, luxurious head of hair on the remains of the discovered caveman was amazingly unharmed. It appeared as though some sort of animal fat or plant oil was regularly applied to the man’s mane, which somehow preserved his hair for several thousand years.

It also appeared as though the man’s funeral rites were carried out with the same sense of ritual and respect as they would’ve been, had he not been gay or transgendered. The man was clearly not an outcast, and was a completely accepted member of the community. Which means, some people in our current society have actually devolved.

Below is a stereotypical artist’s rendering of what the gay caveman may have looked like.

5 Responses to "World’s First Gay Caveman Discovered. Seriously."

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Bullshit. I bet it is the scientists the ones that are gay and are misinterpreting acheological remains to fulfill their personal agenda to favour homosexualism.

  2. Myles Long says:

    I’m not fully convinced. Maybe if there were some gerbil bones or an Ed Hardy t-shirt in the mix.

  3. Dennis Nedry says:

    You’d think this story came about because Rolling Stone decided to include science reporting alongside their if-it’s-gay-it’s-great movie reviews.

    http://www.livescience.com/13620-gay-caveman-story-overblown.html

    Using Afrocentricism as a model, intellectuals will invent Gaycentricism. Suddenly, every notable figure in history is discovered to be gay using either outright lies or broad but stupid misinterpretations. Something like this: Mary Mallon’s lesbian anal fetish with her bi-curious female clients was frowned upon by a repressive Victorian society. This, more than anything else, contributed to her captivity and isolation.