Explore Holy Taco

The World’s Most Badass Stewardess


Right off, let me apologize/explain the use of “stewardess” in the title. I am fully aware of and appreciate that “flight attendant” is a more preferred nomenclature being both gender neutral and less patronizing. I am also aware that, in the story that follows, we’re going to be talking about a man. But as much as I am aware of these things, you need to be aware that, this being a comedy website, I’m often forced to write from a position of ignorance or chauvinism or in a way that belies some other undesirable traits in order to follow through on a joke. Indeed, sometimes we say things we don’t even believe, just to make a joke. Life is silly.


So this stewardess totally lost his shit yesterday and made a break for it on a plane that was not completely ready to deboard passengers at an airport. The official story is that a traveller had got up to retrieve his luggage before the plane had come to a complete stop, and then cursed out the man-stewardess for asking him to stop. How did the man-stewardess respond? Let’s try a multiple choice answer. Please choose which of the following reactions (there is more than one correct response), the man-stewardess elected to have;

a) Start throwing punches
b) Return to the front of the plane, get on the intercom, and curse out the offending passenger
c) Return to the front of the plane, get on the intercom, and curse out all the passengers
d) Try to jam the passenger in his own overhead compartment
e) Masturbate furiously
f) Weep and threaten suicide
g) Pull the emergency evacuation chute and slide to the safety of the runway
h) Threaten jihad
i) Tell the passenger you banged his wife somewhere over Denver
j) Run. Like Forrest. Just run. Then get picked up by cops later
k) Defecate in the passengers bags
l) Report the passenger to air marshals as a terror suspect
m) Plant weed in the passengers bag

Lots of good choices there, hard to decide what might be the best course of action. If you read this story already, then you already picked C, G and J. Indeed, Man-Stewardess opted to get on the intercom, curse out everyone on the plane, then pull the emergency evacuation chute so he could slide down to the runaway and then make for safety on foot. Cops found him at home later in the day.

The quotes from the story are the icing on the cake that is this story, and feature gems like these;

“the woman "cursed him out using the f-word both as a verb and an adjective."”

“the irate passenger cursed him out, saying in effect "go f–k yourself" and calling him a "mo-fo,"”

“He also grabbed some beer from the galley before he took the plunge”

Yep, beers and mo-fos. Jetblue is the shit.

0 Responses to "The World’s Most Badass Stewardess"