When I was born, the only thing the telephone was good for, sexually speaking, was calling 1-900 numbers to engage in phone sex. Today, I can use my phone to watch pornography, look up the nearest brothels, and navigate to strangers’ homes for Craigslist Causal encounters. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Soon, our phones will help us in an even more impressive way: buy testing our urine for STDs. What an age we live in!
Everyone wants the peace of mind that comes with knowing you’re STD free. Unfortunately, no one likes the embarrassing visit to the doctor and the painful urethral swabbing that entails. But now, thanks to doctors and tech experts in the U.K., you’ll be able to test yourself for an STD from the comfort of your own home just by pissing on your mobile phone!
According to The Guardian, users “will be able to put urine or saliva on to a computer chip about the size of a USB chip, plug it into their phone or computer and receive a diagnosis within minutes, telling them which, if any, sexually transmitted infection (STI) they have.” If all goes according to plan, the device will retail for under $2 USD, and will be available in vending machines, pharmacies, nightclubs, nursing homes and anywhere else people go to hook up.
But like most new technology, the STD App is a double-edged sword. Hooking up with someone can be awkward enough without asking them to pee on a microchip. Are you really going to have the stones to ask a girl to pop a squat on your phone once you get her back to your place? Not to mention the risk involved with asking such a question. She’s liable to walk right out the door. At least with a condom you can say it’s to protect her or to keep her from getting pregnant. But when you ask to test a girl’s urine, you’re basically telling her you think she could be a whore.
And what if a girl turns the tables on you. Of course, it’s different for a guy, considering that most men would gladly piss on their own mother’s grave if it would help them get laid. But what if you come back positive for something? Not only is it a humiliating scenario, but what’s to stop her from telling others. STD tests used to be between you and your doctor. But if a random bar skank demands to see your results, you know that it’s only a matter of time before it ends up on her Facebook status.
And perhaps most important, what’s to stop our phone companies from blackmailing us? How long before we start noticing random fees such as Gonorrhea Overage Charges or the Concealed Chlamydia Data Plan. It’s hard enough to cancel your service now. Just imagine trying to get out of a contract with a company that knows you have anal warts. Clearly, there are a lot of pros and cons when dealing with the STD App, which is why I advise you to think long and hard before pissing on your mobile phone.