The Worst Time To Poop Your Pants

People often talk about pooping their pants. What people? The ones that like to add a layer of hyperbole to a conversation to heighten emotional tension. For instance, “I was so scared I crapped my pants.” But it’s very rare that one encounters a person that can tell you a story that involved them literally soiling their undergarments. This video is one such story.

Boogie ’til You Poop from Cedar Wright on Vimeo.

Taking a shit is one of those things that can either be very personal or the most public thing you can imagine. It’s not often that you take a shit with a small crowd of intrigued onlookers that are silently judging and critiquing via whisper. “heshshehshshhes – he doesn’t tuck in his knees for optimal anal propulsion – hehshehshehsh.” The act of shitting your pants exists in that strange middle ground where you may be around people, but you’re alone with your shame. It’s like you and shame are locked in an interrogation room together and you’re both very aware of the large collective of folks looking in through the two-way mirror. And that’s what shitting your pants is: you can shame and poop all co-existing in the same place, at the same time. Three entities existing in the same spot simultaneously, breaking all kind of physics laws. The guy in the video above just so happens to be accomplishing this feat while hanging off of a giant rock. If ever there were a more inappropriate time to shit yourself, dangling in mid-air is probably it.

This got us to thinking, what would be some moments to poop yourself that are worse than pooping yourself when dangling from a rope? Well, let’s see…

1)    Wedding day, just before you say “I Do”

2)    After having cleaned up after you pooped yourself

3)    After a sneeze, because then you have to decline a person’s offering of a tissue so you can instead request toilet paper, or perhaps a brown paper bag.

4)    After you just had a really good day.

5)    While competing in the “Don’t Shit Your Pants” competition that is life.

6)    Immediately following the utterance of the phrase, “Oh, I never shit my pants.”

7)    While farting in a friend’s face.

8)    While doing a naked backflap for a closely standing crowd of onlookers