Like most people with a penis (or a vagina that likes other vaginas), I’m helplessly in love with the T-Mobile girl. Just to be clear, I’m talking about the newer girl, Carly Foulkes, not Catherine Zeta Jones. And just to be clearer, when I say I’m in love with her, I mean I would gladly cut off my girlfriend’s pinky in exchange for a look at Foulkes’ nipples. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
Yes, Foulkes is ridiculously hot. And unlike Catherine Zeta Jones, who is also ridiculously hot, Foulkes isn’t the mother of two and over the age of 40, which gives her the edge in my book. There’s a reason property values are so low in “Cougar Town,” and it’s because the whole place smells like faded youth and broken dreams. That’s not a smell that sells cell phones. But I digress.
Normally, I look forward to seeing Foulkes perky chest bouncing around on my television. But lately, the entire experience has been ruined. During this year’s NBA Playoffs, T-Mobile has been running a new set of ads promoting their 4G Sidekick. Rather than simply letting Foulkes wave her ass around for all to enjoy, the powers that be decided to pair her up with, of all things, an insufferable white rapper.
I can’t understand the logic behind this. It’s as if T-Mobile is actively trying to kill boners, which is asinine. If there’s one thing they teach you in Marketing 101, it’s that people like boners. People want to buy things they associate with boners. If you have the power to cause boners, you will never be short of cash. Boners equal profits!
You know what’s bad for business? Sending people into an angry, boner-killing rage! And that’s exactly what happens every time this little bastard comes on the screen. Really, a white rapper besides eminem? F**k you! While you’re at it, why don’t you just find a white guy with dreads? In my opinion, there’s nothing worse than a white kid who taught himself to freestyle while hanging out at the food court at the mall. I can almost hear this guy thinking to himself, “That’s racist, yo!”
And to make matters worse, he’s wearing a stocking cap. I know it’s trendy to hate on hipsters these days, but there’s a reason for it. No one over the age of 18 should be wearing a hat like that unless it’s cold out. And if you are going to wear it, don’t wear it hanging off the back of your god damn head like some sort of imbecile. Put it on, or take it off. Better yet, put it on, then light it on fire!
It’s bad enough that this chode gets to come within a hundred yards of the T-Mobile girl, but the fact that he gets to watch her giggle and dance while he’s “spitting his mad rhymes” is more than I can take. And to make matters even worse, this year’s NBA Playoffs are the worst possible time for this ass-hat to be on my television. Watching LeBron and the Heat dismantle every team they play is infuriating enough. If anything, I need that commercial time to calm down. Instead, T-Mobile is just adding fuel to the fire by putting MC Eric Foreman on my television. Someone is going to get hurt, and if I were a betting man, I’d put money on it being my girlfriend’s stupid kid who won’t shut the hell up when the game is on.
At the end of the day, it takes a lot to distract people from a hot woman. But T-Mobile has found a way. If I had the option of sleeping with the T-Mobile girl, or punching her hat-wearing white-rapper friend right in his smug little face, I’m not sure what I’d do. But whatever choice I made, I’m sure it would end in frustration and tears for all involved.