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Wu-Tang Clan-Affiliated Rapper Cuts Off Penis, Leaps From Second Story Balcony in Failed Suicide Attempt

(Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction to this story.)

By Jared Jones

Meet Andre Johnson, a.k.a “Christ Bearer” — a Wu-Tang affiliated rapper who has apparently been going through some tough times lately. You see, on Wednesday morning, Mr. Johnson was apparently under such duress that he decided to CUT OFF HIS JOHNSON (nailed it) and jump off the balcony of his second story apartment in an attempt to end his life. According to two other rappers who were on scene, the move was “undeniably gangster as sh*t.”

Neighbors and witnesses told police that neither Johnson, a member of the Wu-Tang-affiliated rap group Northstar, nor his crew appeared to be under the influence of the kind of drugs it would take to accomplish such a horrifying feat — the only evidence to the contrary of course being that Johnson felt it necessary to give himself sex-reassignment surgery before attempting suicide. There’s also the fact that even after falling two stories onto the concrete sidewalk, Johnson somehow managed get back to his feet before collapsing in a pool of his own blood. But yeah, I’m sure he was stone sober.

Not to sound insensitive (too late), but this is one of those rare stories where you can say that a man was “unfortunate” enough to have survived a suicide attempt. In fact, Johnson not only survived the attempt, but was rushed to the hospital in critical condition only to later learn that the doctors were not be able to reattach his manhood. The silver lining in this story, I guess, is that Johnson is currently resting in stable condition at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. ”Stable” being a relative term in this case.

How this bizarre story did not occur in Florida is anyone’s guess, but in my opinion, the biggest question being overlooked here is WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN KANYE?!

The lesson here, kids: Comparing yourself in any way, shape, or form to Jesus Christ can only end in disaster. Or a ton of street cred. Either or.

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