Yes, We Know. It’s Hot. There’s A Heatwave.

So apparently the whole country is undergoing a painful, almost supernatural, heatwave. We know this because a) It’s super hot outside, and b) people won’t stop mentioning it in everyday conversation. Yes, we all know that the weather is a safe topic of discussion. One that is not polarizing and one that won’t start any arguments, but to be verbally reminded of the very situation your physically experiencing is annoying. In order to save you all the frustration of continuing a dialog with someone who wants to talk about how disgustingly hot it is, we’ve compiled a list of conversation-killing responses to the phrase “Sure is hot out there!”

Them: Sure is hot out there!

You: I’ll say it is! Warm days like this really let you know what your beard smells like! (then, if you have a beard, push it up towards your nose and react in disgust. If you don’t have a beard, even better.)

Them: Sure is hot out there!

You: You can say that again! Seriously, say it again. Say it one more f*cking time. (smile)

Them: Sure is hot out there!

You: That it is, my friend. Though, the heat we’re experiencing now pales in comparison to the intense burn of Lucifer’s flame. We’re all sinners, and unless we decide to repent, this heat will feel like an arctic breeze compared to the eternal hell-fires.

Them: Sure is hot out there!

You: I hadn’t noticed. I thought the sweat pooling in the crotch of my pants was just from being nervous. Had no idea it was a hundred degrees. I guess that’s why the soles of my shoes have melted to the pavement. Here I just thought they were cheap shoes. Say, what day is it?

Them: Sure is hot out there!

You: You are absolutely right. I’ve been doing some personal research and I’ve noticed that these intensely hot days only seem to occur in June, July and August. Also, the heat seems to be coming from the sun, because when it’s dark out it cools off. That means, this is a regularly occurring phenomenon that will continue to happen from not until forever, or, the Russian Government is up to their old bullshit again. Can’t decide. Must consult my magic eight ball.