Here’s something no one has ever said:
“We must be vigilant in our crusade to put an end to the planking spree that has plagued our fair city!”
No one’s ever said that because everyone just assumes someone planking will eventually get snatched up by a swooping hawk, like they were a field mouse. But there actually is someone out there saying a small portion of that ridiculous statement: Wisconsin police officers.
A 19-year old kid from Wisconsin was arrested and convicted for committing a gory and atrocious “planking spree.” And yes, those were the words used by the police to describe the actions of a person that lied face-down on a bunch of different things.
What exactly constitutes a spree?
Webster’s says a spree is “an unrestrained indulgence in or outburst of an activity”.
If the cops are implying that this kid showed an outburst of activity, they should understand that planking, by definition, is all about inactivity. So maybe a “spree” isn’t what this kid went on. Maybe it was a planking lark, or a series of planking shenanigans. Or even a planking caper…no. Nevermind. That last one makes planking seem like some kind of murder mystery that can only be solved by pretending you’re wood, which sounds far more interesting than planking actually is.
Or, hey, how about this word I’ve never heard but according to Thesaurus.com is another word for prank: monkeyshine.
A planking monkeyshine.
What the hell is a monkeyshine? Anyone? Anyone?! No one’s heard of that. No one says that. Thesaurus.com made that shit up. And for that I am thankful, because it may be a totally nonsensical and idiotic word, but in that way it’s very much like planking itself – nonsensical and idiotic.
So, there you go. The 19-year old kid from Wisconsin didn’t go on a wild planking spree, resting his tummy on all manner of things in a most foul and offensive manner. He went on a planking monkeyshine, in which, like a monkey attempting to shine a dirty car with some turtle wax, he performed an action that makes no sense when you’re looking at it.