Somewhere in Italy there’s a thief whose very colon is now under the wrathful eye of the lord almighty. This thief stole a very old and valuable Bible from some Franciscan monks and, when the Bible was replaced, they stole the replacement. As a result, the Friars got together as a group and prayed for god to inflict the thief with a case of the shits.
You may assume, and reasonably so, that we made the language of this request more colorful but, in fact, the friars themselves chose the word “shits.” They didn’t pray for diarrhea. They prayed for shits. God’s wrathful shits. We can only guess as to how bad a case of Biblical shits might be, but more importantly, did you know you can pray for God to give someone the shits? That’s amazing. And it’s from actual men of God, so you know it’s legit. It’s not like a crackhead praying for crack, this is the real deal. There’s probably a verse in the Bible that covers it and everything, in one of those books that no one ever reads like Ecclesiastes or whatever.
A bit of quick research showed us that the shits aren’t the only thing people have been praying for lately. Presidential hopeful Rick Perry has apparently convinced the people of Texas that the only way to fix problems is through prayer and that includes the economic crisis and lack of rain. Even Hugo Chavez turns to God when he wants someone brought back from the dead. Prayer is way more versatile than it used to be. Gone are the days of praying for forgiveness or strength, it’s all borderline insane self interest and hilarious vengeance.
If God is giving in to lunatic prayers, now’s your time to maximize your faith (or find it) and make it pay off. Try these prayers now before God decides this shit’s gotten out of hand!
- Dear God, please grant me the power to shoot lasers from my eyes at my enemies or any stuff I need to blow up and/or set on fire.
- Dear God, please give me some tacos. I’m hungry.
- Mr. Jesus, please let me not get herpes from this lady.
- Dear God, please retroactively destroy Nickleback and their entire song catalogue. If you have the time, and I assume you do since you can travel through time, please also wipe the Black Eyed Peas from human history as well.
- God, I would appreciate it if you just made them cancel Two and a Half Men. I mean really, it’s done.
- Lord, I want to have the most epic wang. Like, the king of all wangs.
- Dear God, please cure me of this terrible case of the shits.
- Lord, I pray that you stop those terrible, terrible Old Navy commercials.
- Jesus God, give me a really cool scooter that also turns into a robot ninja.
- Dear God, please make me a robot ninja that can transform into a scooter.
- Please give the entire congregation at the Westboro Baptist Church some kind of wicked, incurable, flaming gonorrhea.
- Dear God, please turn everyone involved with FOX news into a lower middle class, black, homosexual.
- Lord, please make Hollywood stop rebooting movies.
- Dear God, please let at least one Holy Taco editor touch a boob. Just one.