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You Can’t Have Noisy Sex When You Live With Your 63 Year Old Mom

True story, the Crawford Brothers, Shane 33 and Christian 31 still live at home with their 63 year old mother and Shane is still getting laid. I’m pretty sure it’s guys like this that make up the majority of our readership. But anyway, what follows is a reenactment script we’re pitching to our Hollywood connections. We feel like these guys have a solid story that needs to be told.

INT. MS. CRAWFORD’S BASEMENT – NIGHT

CHRISTIAN sits in the dark at his desk. He’s wearing only a pair of tattered briefs and a rag of a t-shirt. He’s chain-smoking Newports and drinking Mountain Dew directly from a two-liter bottle.

He starts to hear moans coming from upstairs in his brother’s room. The moans get increasingly louder. Christian pauses his WoW game and stamps out his cigarette and yells upstairs.

CHRISTIAN

Hey asshole. I told you to keep it the f*ck down.

The noises continue.

CHRISTIAN

Hey, dick lick, yer gonna wake mom up!

The noises just get louder. Christian slams his hand on the desk and stands up. He grabs a dirty robe, throws it on without tying it and storms upstairs.

CHRISTIAN

I’m about to come in there and spray y’all with a goddamn hose.

INT. SHANE CRAWFORD’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The noises continue to get louder and more intense as Christian gets closer to his brother’s room. Christian steps up to the door, listens for a beat, then kicks it open.

SHANE is on top of and inside of a woman that somewhat resembles Grimace, if Grimace were a ginger with a smattering of rose tattoos and saggy boobs. Shane is also, for some reason, still wearing his underwear.

He jumps off of the ginger Grimace and she screams.

GINGER GRIMACE

What’s goin’ on? I ain’t done had me a ‘gasm yet. You ain’t finished cowboy. Take your stray steer back to the herd.

SHANE

Woman, chill out… Christian, what’s your deal dude? You ain’t seen the condom on my doorknob? When I put a condom on the doorknob, that mean’s I’m bonin’.

CHRISTIAN

Y’all are humpin’ so loud… And yer ‘sposed to put a sock on the doorknob, not a condom.

SHANE

Hey, shit stain, I was WEARIN’ the sock so I wouldn’t get this heffer pregnant.

GINGER GRIMACE

Grrrrrrrr! *Snort

Shane looks at his brother and notices a bulge in his briefs.

SHANE

You got a boner?

Christian nervously looks down and notices his own erection. Not knowing what to do, he grabs an ashtray sitting on his brother’s desk and throws it at him, nailing him in the face. This sparks an epic, underwear clad brawl. The brother’s alternate between punching and choking. They eventually endup wrestling on top of the Ginger Grimmace, much to her strange delight.

EXT. MS. CRAWFORD’S FRONT YARD – A HALF HOUR LATER

The police have arrived and are putting Shane and Christian into the back of a squad car while Ms. Crawford looks on.

INT. SHANE CRAWFORD’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

The ginger Grimace lays in bed, smoking two cigarettes.

 

4 Responses to "You Can’t Have Noisy Sex When You Live With Your 63 Year Old Mom"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Why would you want to have noisy sex anyway?

  2. ryanb says:

    go way’..baitin..