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You Go To Hell And Die, Tom Brady

As you sit down tonight to watch the Patriots consume, then crap out the Ravens, there’s something you need to think about: Why it’s not okay to root for Tom Brady.

The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl this year. Fine. Good for them. But not good for you Tom Brady, because I hate you. The point of being a super star athlete is that women who normally would never sleep with you, do. Tom Brady could get laid if he was a creepy janitor at an elementary school. That’s how good looking and charismatic he is. Women would just be like “No, I have no problem drinking tap water from your mop sink due to the fact that you live in the supply closet. Now let’s have another round of no-strings-attached sex on top of that pile of lost and found sweaters.” It’s not FAIR. And if you’re a normal guy who’s not able to throw laser-guided out patterns to a double covered Wes Welker, in turn making women’s genitals moist nation-wide, how can you root for Tom Brady?

What if you were in Vegas and you walked past Bill Gates on a slot machine, right as he won the Mega Jackpot? As he cheered and celebrated, do you think you’d be like “Hey, good for you Bill Gates. That’s awesome that you won millions of dollars even though you are the world’s richest man and don’t f*&king need it.” Or, do you think you’d have to fight the urge to take down your pants and piss on his face? Rational human beings would opt for the face pissing. Therefore, I say we band together to only root for athletes that look like the little Asian kid from “Heroes,” and tell Tom Brady to go to hell and die.

8 Responses to "You Go To Hell And Die, Tom Brady"

  1. Tom Brady says:

    Ha! I may go to hell and die, just like you said, but I still would have nailed Gisele Bundchen. More than once, too!

    You can live in heaven, Taco Boy, and not have nailed Gisele Bundchen, so even in hell, I win!

  2. Hayden says:

    Hiro is adorable!

  3. Brian says:

    HAHA! sounds like someone’s an ugly, fat piece of shit who gets jealous easily. Why don’t you get off your ass and stop playing World of Warcraft and get a hobby. Shit, stop bitching about what you don’t have and go get it.

  4. Tom Brady says:

    As a matter of fact, I think that I am going to go do her right now!

  5. Tom Brady says:

    That was awesome!! Now I gotta go and get ready for whichever team we’re destroying tonight. C-ya losers!

  6. Ron More says:

    I’m no Tom Brady fan, but shut up and gey a life.He gets the girls because of looks, talent, and confidence. No woman is going be with a dude who bores them to death. Women want men have a purpose, not those looking for one. It’s not rocket science; it’s a hard fact of life.

  7. ed says:

    what are they goin to do to the ravens?

  8. Anonymous says:

    In fairness to the author, he complementing Thom Brady. Good article Funny shit