More awesome happenings in the sunshine state — two dudes got into a serious bar brawl over the sexual orientation of the late country singer, Conway Twitty. According to the news story the two men got into a scuffle that had the double-wide shakin’:
Joe Capes and Ronald Richards were hanging out in Richards’ trailer when they began arguing about the sexual orientation of country music singer Conway Twitty.
The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office said the two got into a shoving match, eventually ending when Capes punched Richards in the face, breaking his glasses, and causing his eye to bleed.
The news report never broke down the details, and never really said which man took which side. Did Capes call Twitty gay, causing Richards to attack? Or did Richards call twitty gay, causing Capes to attack? Or was the argument over wether Twitty was just gay, or super duper gay? So many details left out. We’d like to figure out for ourselves, now that the issue has been raised: Was Conway Twitty gay?
We dug up several candid photographs of Twitty to see if we could solve the mystery and further prevent any white trash tragedies. Take this one for example, it’s Twitty with the Twitty band playing a show in their early days:
When rocking out, going back to back with other band members is pretty common. However, front to font, while making eye contact is not.
Now here we have Twitty in the midst of a heterosexual act. Sure, he looks like he’s forcing a smile and holding back his lunch, but this has to prove something.
Well, there we go. Look at all those duets he did with Loretta Lynn. Sure, he was often wearing a pink pleather suit while doing it, but that doesn’t mean anything.
For our final piece of evidence, we’d like to show you this video of Twitty’s ambiguously sexual song “Slow Hand”
Well, we’ve reviewed the evidence and can only come to one conclusion: Conway Twitty is asexual. Like David Bowie. Charming women and confusing men from all walks of life, he’s like a sexless mythical country music figure. It was probably the secret to success, remaining relatively genderless in a world that had rigid lines between men and women. Male country singers sang about women breaking their hearts, and female country singers sang about men being liars and cheaters. But not Mr. Twitty, he was a real game changer. So we guess Capes and Richards were fighting for nothing then. Maybe this weekend they’ll fight over Willie Nelson’s preference.