OMG It’s SPRING BREAK!!!! WOOO!!!! If you’re not drunk and naked yet, please take a moment to take care of that then continue reading. If you’re currently reading this sentence and you are neither drunk nor nude, then we have a gypsy in back cooking up a curse for you. So by the end of the week when your urethra sprouts hair, don’t say we didn’t give you a chance.
Traditionally, Spring Breakers flock to destinations like Panama City, Puerta Vallarta and Cancun. Unfortunately, all of those places are already packed with losers who couldn’t think of a better place to go, and locals who hate them and put effort into making them go away and/or drugging and murdering the slowest ones. Don’t settle for being murdered in Cancun. Check out these much more kick ass locations for the ultimate Spring Break awesomeness!
Sioux City, Iowa
Oh, Sioux City, you had me at Jefferson Starship. Well, technically just Starship, the somehow worse incarnation of Jefferson Starship, itself the worse incarnation of Jefferson Airplane. Just amazing. But who cares because you’re having the time of your life celebrating Spring Break in Sioux City. Iowa!
What can you do in Sioux City? What can’t you do? Let’s check out what Sioux City tourism has to say! How about heading over to the Tyson Events Centre, named for delicious Tyson Foods, makers of scrumptious Tyson Mini Chicken Sandwiches, and check out some NAIA Division II women’s basketball!
Not in the mood for kick ass basketball? Hey, how about you stop by the Spring Collections Craft Fair at the Sioux City Convention Center? The first 125 through the door get a free gift. What’s the gift? Probably more awesome!
All that fun is going to work up some kind of appetite. Better come check out Sioux City Applebees! Oh wait, what’s that? Which one? Ha ha, that’s right, Sioux City has two! Suck on that, Butte! And hey, they have a Milwaukee Weiner House. Shit just got real, son!
For a Spring Break you’ll never forget you better haul ass down to Sioux City, Iowa! Now go watch that righteous 5 minute long, shitty lipdub video again. Know why it’s so shitty? Everyone was goddamn wasted because Sioux City is a nonstop party, yo.
Paducah, Kentucky is Paducha-ing it right! Yeah! How can you tell your Spring Break in Paducah is going to take all other Spring Breaks firmly by the throat and vigorously hump them until they express joy at being so thoroughly dominated by a more powerful vacation experience? Because the second link on the tourism website is titled “Quilting.” Paducah just don’t give a shit, they cray. Cray cray!
Start your Spring Break in Paducah off right by strolling down to the Maiden Alley Cinema and Gallery for a night of Science on Screen as they show the movie The Day After Tomorrow. Next, read that sentence again, because that shit’s not a joke. They’re actually showing The Day After Tomorrow as part of some evening of science. Told you Paducah was batshit crazy!
You’re going to need a place to crash and work off all the crazy drunken shenanigans, so where are you resting your head in Paducah? How about the Comfort Inn on I-4 at exit 3? No one’s been murdered there in ages! Partay!
All this Paducah craziness is going to require a big meal, isn’t it? Better head to Applebee’s! That’s right, Paducah is all up on the Applebee’s train, so you can get those delicious chicken wonton tacos. Hells yeah!
This Spring Break, tell Cancun it CanSuck on your nuts and head to Paducah, Kentucky. Isn’t it time you quilted yourself a memory to last a lifetime?
If people dancing behind a statue in black face don’t convince you to head to Savannah for Spring Break, then worry not, because there’s a lot more than just inadvertent racism going on in this historical town of kick assery. A metric shit ton more!
Bust out the bikinis and swim trunks and head on over to a balsamic vinegar and olive oil tasting at Lowcountry Gourmet Foods. Or why not grabs your boys and tour the birthplace of the Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts? Hey, save me a Thin Mint! Ha!
Get your party on for real when you head over to Paula Deen’s The Lady & Sons restaurant, the only restaurant in Georgia where if the menu doesn’t kill you, Paula Deen will. With a bat. We assume! But if you’re not in the mood for butter-fried butter, why not head on over to the Applebee’s on Al Henderson Blvd? Eatin’ good in the neighborhood! Or whatever their slogan is!
For the full on Southern experience complete with all the civil war nostalgia and a ghost tour you crave on Spring Break, you gotta head to Savannah!
Spring Break is all about sex and drugs and rock n roll! But sex n drugs are dangerous these days, so why not head to the home of the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame – Cleveland! What kind of kickass Spring Break can you have in Cleveland? The most kickingest assingest! Check this out y’all!
For the next 10 days straight, Cleveland is going to be about 60 degrees! That’s not too far from room temperature, right? Not bad. And while you’re soaking up all that ambient warmth, maybe you’ll want to hop on the trolley (metaphorically, there’s no trolley service in Cleveland) and check out the history of maple sugaring at Rocky River Reservation. That’s right, they made sugar into a verb. That shit’s extreme!
When your blood glucose gets too high for any more sugar fun, mosey on over to Project Mah Jongg at the Maltz Museum of Jewish Heritage. I did not make that shit up, go check if you don’t believe me. It’ll take you on an exploration of the game’s cultural meanings through sight, sound, text, and play. Seriously, not making it up.
Once you’ve satisfied your elderly, Jewish urge to play Mah Jongg, maybe you’ll need to unwind. Hey, can you do that in a town as intense a Cleveland? You know it, bro! head on down to Steelyard Drive and belly up to the table at Applebee’s order yourself some delicious Bourbon Street steak. Oh man, fresh flavor never sounded so good!
For the total Spring Break package at temperatures that won’t cause hypothermia and a lot of colorful transients on the street to keep you entertained, you’re never going to top Cleveland, Ohio! Not ever!
I dunno man, there’s no Applebee’s anywhere near Chernobyl. I think this vacation might be bullshit.