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Your Pet Is Now Worthless: Meet Bailey the Beer-Drinking Bison

I bet you people think your pets are pretty hardcore, don’t you? I see the way some of you walk around town with your pitbulls on giant chains thinking you’re king s**t of f**k mountain. And let’s not forget those of you with more exotic animals, like boa constrictors and pythons. You have to be pretty bad ass to keep an animal like that as a pet, right? Wrong!

As of today, all your stupid macho pets have been rendered worthless, because unless you’ve got a bear at your house, this guy has you beat. Say hello to Jim Sautner, a Canadian man who keeps a 1600-pound bison named Bailey as a pet.

I can already hear you whining.

“Jame, just cause he owns a bison doesn’t mean it’s a pet. People own bulls and cows, but that’s not the same. And what about horses?”

Fair enough, *sshole. But, there’s a catch. How often do you see a farmer taking his or her cow for a ride in the car? I’m not talking about a trailer. I’m talking about putting a 1600-pound buffalo in a modified Pontiac. If an animal willingly follows you into a car, and doesn’t freak out when you start driving, that’s a pet, my friend. I bet that pathetic doberman riding in your backseat doesn’t seem so tough now, does it, you punk?

As if a Buffalo that likes to ride shotgun wasn’t awesome enough, there’s more to this story. When Sautner takes Bailey for a ride, they aren’t just going for a Sunday drive. They’re going into town to get f**ked up. It seems that Bailey has a taste for beer, and the local bars are happy to oblige. After all, if a buffalo shows up at your bar and wants a beer, are you going to say no? And you thought you were cool back in high school when you used get your cat high by blowing smoke its ear. Well trying getting a buffalo drunk, then we’ll talk.

Truth be told, I never had much respect for the buffalo. This probably had something to do with “Oregon Trail.”  After all, if you can be driven to near-extinction by a bunch of 8-bit pansy-ass settlers, how cool can you really be? Well, I’m a man who admits when he’s wrong, and after watching this video, it’s clear my opinion on bison (and Canadians, for that matter) was way off base. So here’s to you, Bailey the Bison. You’re a thousand times cooler than my wife’s labradoodle.

4 Responses to "Your Pet Is Now Worthless: Meet Bailey the Beer-Drinking Bison"

  1. The Padrino says:

    Wonder if he sleeps in the same bed as the guy. He rides it around town gets it drunk then…