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Your Three-Year-Old Child Is Very Stupid

stupid children pigeons

You may think little Timmy and little Suzy are oh-so-special when they walk around and talk and go pee-pee in their little potty toilet. But a Japanese researcher begs to differ:

Keio University scientists in Japan say they have found pigeons are able to discriminate video images of themselves, as well as paintings of certain artists.

The researchers said they found the birds’ video image discrimination ability to be higher than that of a 3-year-old human.

Pigeons are smarter than three-year-olds? No shit. I could’ve told you that without the $300,000 government grant. Have you ever spent any amount of time with a small child? It’s torture. They’re always covered in some sort of grime, or some sticky foodstuffs and they ask you endless, mind-numbing questions. “Why are leaves green?” “Where do airplanes come from?” “Why is daddy on top of that lady who isn’t Mommy?”

A pigeon, on the other hand, never asks you stupid questions, and while they are swimming with disease, they aren’t smearing it all over your neck and face because they’re tired of walking around the mall. And, most importantly, a pigeon never tells Mommy that you stopped off for a couple ice-cold Budweisers on the way home from the babysitter.

Just so we’re clear, here are a few other things smarter than a three-year-old:

Algae
Speakers
Hair
Gas and charcoal grills
Trapper Keepers
Feces
Digital picture frames
Teaneck, New Jersey
The ink cartridge in your printer
Moss (not Randy)
Randy Moss (but just barely)

11 Responses to "Your Three-Year-Old Child Is Very Stupid"

  1. Eli says:

    Ha! I would LOVE to hear his defense.. “Your honor, In my defense, I was trying to punch the mother in the face. Not the 3 year old girl that she was picking up from daycare.”.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Parents are fun. They’re so wrapped up in their kids they won’t see thing for what they are.

    One of my coworkers was bringing her 6 month old infant in. “Look how smart he is!” she proclaims as she shows him to everyone. His eyes were not tracking anything, he did not consistently respond to stimuli, and he barely had the nerve wiring to hold himself up while sitting. I know marigolds that do a better job as remaining upright and following the sun.

  3. holycow says:

    ya, kids are pretty lame, but they are fun to fuck with and watch when they do monkey like stuff like crap their pants, pick their nose or eat shit off the floor, then they are fun to have around.

  4. Anonymous says:

    that picture is incredibly disturbing. with that picture followed by a rant about how stupid and horrible it is to spend time with children, this post reads as a justification for domestic violence. not funny.

  5. sean says:

    ^^^^^^ you suck.

  6. bearsausage says:

    I am not so sure about Teaneck, there are some stupid f’ers out there.

  7. Matty D says:

    My three year old daughter is smarter then some adults I have to deal with, some may even write blogs.

  8. mike says:

    I don’t know which is more disturbing; that picture, or the fact that so many other are not disturbed by it.

  9. Paul says:

    Whoever wrote this article, I would definitely like to kick his stupid ass. It’s obvious he needs to intelligence via forced osmosis. Mom and Dad must not have wiped his ‘very stupid’ ass very often.

  10. Cory says:

    The photo is from a big news story out of Russia about 6 years ago, where a Russian cop was trying to punch a woman, but punched the little girl instead. I thought everyone would have seen this photo a long time ago.

  11. Juli says:

    Ahhh, the Trapper Keeper. They looked so snazzy but it only took 3 minutes to go to shit after being filled full of stupid Lisa Frank pens.