I appreciate the fact that you’re trying to be fashion-forward, and you’re being open minded about the type of footwear you choose, but those toe shoe things you’ve been wearing are weirding me the hell out. Yes, I realize, the type of footwear you choose is really none of my business, and that’s why I said nothing when you wore Crocs almost every day last year. It’s getting to be a bit much. Every time I look happen to look down, I see what looks like a human foot wrapped in car tire poking out from the hem of your pants and I can be silent about it no longer.
Let me put my feelings about this aside for a second and begin by attempting to explain to you, using cold hard science, why your toe shoes are stupid: Humans, as they evolved into bipedal creatures began to use their lower digits less and less. Our arms and hands became our weapons and tools of choice, because we didn’t really have to climb trees or hang from branches anymore.
Eventually, we all started wearing clothing and other protective items such as boots and mittens. The boots stayed and eventually became shoes and socks. Mittens eventually became gloves because we needed a way to keep our hands warm while still being able to use our fingers for such cool things smoking cigarettes and shooting guns. We don’t smoke cigarettes or shoot guns with our toes, so we figured it’d be best to allow them to remain close to one another and stay warm inside of our socks and shoes. Then, along came your toe shoes, assuming they were the next step forward in footwear evolution, when in reality, they’re a step backwards. Fingers are fingers. Toes are toes. Toes are not fingers.
If you don’t believe in evolution, then I guess that argument was wasted on you, so let me come at you from my gut. You look ridiculous. I’ve been counting the number of pairs of toe shoes you own and so far we’re up to three. The brightly colored ones you wear when you go to the gym are rather disturbing. They’re like a neon sign that says “Please look down and notice my awful taste in footwear!” The bluish-grey ones you’ve been sporting on casual Fridays aren’t so bad because they match the color of the carpet. If you’re going to continue to be a granola-chomping weirdo and keep wearing toe shoes, at least make it those. But the ones that really kill me are the black ones. They make you look like a fat ninja. A fat, retired ninja who can no longer ninj.
I’m only telling you this because I think you are, really nice and decent person from the ankles up. Please don’t let your choice in footwear make people think otherwise. Fingers are fingers. Toes are toes. Toes are not fingers.