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You’re 33. Nobody Cares If You Make Out With Your Friend

I was recently at a bar on a Saturday night, and there were these two women in the corner, they were probably 33-35 years old, and they were standing in the corner, waiting for guys to come up and talk to them. I know this because they were dressed like I was, the time I was six and and shit my pants in school, and thought I could just throw away my shorts and pull my t-shirt passed my penis. Except no one looked at them and said “We’re calling your mom, you need to go home.”
So, about two hours go past, and no one is talking to these ladies, because everyone in the bar is about 25 years old.  People sort of reacted to them like you do when you’re in high school and you see your teacher in the grocery store.  Just sort of give a quick nod, and then try to move past them.  The thing was, you could tell that when these ladies were 25, they were probably really hot.  They were still attractive, except they were in a bar full of attractive 25 year olds.  And at 11 p.m., every guy in the bar still thinks “I don’t have to start hitting on those older chicks yet, I’m going to aim high first.”  I like to call it "The Albert Pujols" theory:  He won’t swing at a bad pitch until he’s got two strikes on him.

So, then the self esteem was starting to get low, you could smell it.  They were standing in awkward positions, where their butts were sticking out like they were trying to air dry their assholes.  Still, no one cared.  They needed attention, and they needed it badly.  And the number one way to get attention in a bar, if you’re two women, is to talk about making out.  It’s the first thing every sorority girl learns.  Possibly the only thing, I dunno. 
So, sure enough, I’m standing somewhat near them, busily not getting laid, and I hear one of them say loudly to the other one “We should just make out.  I would totally make out with you.”  Let me describe the reaction of the six or seven dudes around them, by saying it was as if she had said “Hey, I have upper deck level tickets to Kansas City Royals game.”  Meaning one dude sort of looked over at them, thought about it for a second, then looked away.  Everyone else didn’t even turn around.  Then it became uncomfortable.  One of them turns to this group of guys behind them and goes “My friend just dared me to make out with her, and I’m like so embarrassed.” 

At this point, the only way the situation could have gotten anymore awkward, is if I had been losing my virginity right next to them.  The dudes they said that to were like “great,” and then just turned back around.  Flash forward to about 1:15, and a couple WAAAASTED dudes come up and start talking to the 35 year old chicks, and within about four minutes, are making out with them, and within about another four minutes, they’re all outside in a cab together. 
So what can we learn from this? It doesn’t matter that you used to be hot.  You have to evolve into your new, less hot, body.   And there’s nothing you can do that’s going to get you back to the point where you used to be young and hot and everyone paid attention to you.  So maybe that means hanging out with dudes your age and enjoying their company, because the bottom line is this: You’re 33 now. No one gives a shit anymore if you and your friend want to make out.

63 Responses to "You’re 33. Nobody Cares If You Make Out With Your Friend"

  1. Katie says:

    the lethal weapon throwback is awesome!

  2. The Final Word says:

    Stupid article. God damn I know some mighty fine 30+ females that I’m certain the lame ass fag boys posting on this site would fall over themselves to score.

    That is all.

  3. Redrum says:

    The most truthful thing ever written on this site. Give yourself a hand. No, really.

  4. Anonymous says:

    “Passed your penis.” How about “past.” Is there an Editor here anywhere?

  5. Ookla the Mok says:

    Better hope your hand doesn’t read that

  6. Anonymous 3452 says:

    Well said, too bad that most men are not as insightful as you!

  7. kdoggydog says:

    Rough crowd down here

  8. Anonymous says:

    Well, if they’re still hot, I’d totally go for them. I’d do a really hot 70 year old. No older than that though.

  9. Anonymous says:

    everyone on here is talking about being under 30 and over 30. . . but what if you are actually 30? it’s scary I tell ya. . .scary

  10. Bulldozer says:

    Are you guys homo’s or idiots or what? Have you ever heard of the dirty 30′s? Women in their 30′s like to FUUUUCCCCKKK! And not the amateur STD ridden baby voiced 20-something who’ll just lay their like dead fish. Get with the times and do a 30 year old, then come back and write your article you f***ing homo’s.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Bitter lately?

  12. Edwordrules says:

    The Albert Pujols Theory, Fn nice analogy!!
    Also would work such as: Dam its last call and i have 2 shots of Tequilla, imma get me that drunk chick!!

  13. Prince Philip says:

    Come on, guys. A little less discrimination. Who here wouldn’t bang Helen Mirren???

  14. Anonymous says:

    33? Are you fucking serious? The author of this article must be 12. At 33, women are still looking fantastic as far as I can tell. Maybe you were in a fucking drag bar, or maybe you’re just a fucking witless little idiot. Jesus Christ. Nobody sees a problem with this dude acting like two 33 women who ” were still attractive” are senior fucking citizens. I’d have fucked them both, while you tried to get digits from that bar skank with the tube top.

  15. Cooter says:

    Those are the same broads you see at a bar, wasted off 4 gin martinis, who swear they only drink them for the olives.

    Question: Would you like the olives as well if they hadn’t been soaking in gin for that past 20 minutes?

  16. joey says:

    wow this one was funny as fuck, good write up hahaha.

  17. Anonymous says:

    This guy must be gay.A 35y/o woman thats hot is much better then a 25 y/o slut.

  18. T-thal says:

    ADMIT IT… most of the guys reading this would be happy to hit something… anything… instead of the usual night’s encounter with their own hand…..

  19. SexyCaliGuy says:

    Young women only have as much power as they do because guys give it to them. Worshiping the ground a woman walks on just because she won the genetic lottery doesn’t make you a man, it makes you a ass-kissing suckup (which, by the way, is just about the most unattractive thing in the world to a woman). Some women can hold it together well into their 30′s, it just takes more effort – ask any woman who’s that age, she’ll tell you. When it comes to interacting with the ladies, try having fun and being playful and not giving your power away. Your comments just make you sound bitter and angry because chicks won’t pay attention to you. If that’s the case, you gotta do something about it. Nobody will do it for you.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Dear sexicalioldfatgirl,

    Maybe you should make out with another poster pretending to be a guy. Might get you some taxi-love.
    Your comments just make you sound bitter and angry because guys won’t pay attention to you. If that’s the case, you gotta do something about it. Nobody will do it for you.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Well said Me! Too bad most douchebag multi-name jerk offs are not as insightful.

  22. Anonymous says:

    HAHAHAHAHA. Jesus Christ, I was starting to think this was a relationship help forum….

  23. Blake says:

    i have never heard anybody say that ever. Also two Royals jabs in the last week. The pirates suck too.

  24. Penis says:

    Fuck all these other guys. These women are so damn hot and powerful and they get everything they want and guys worship the ground they walk on, and then after they are 30-31 they are completely irrelevant.

    The lord giveth and the lord taketh away

  25. Rachel says:

    as a “hot little 20 y/o” (cuz year-old takes much longer to type) i resent this statement. i know damn well how to get off and how to make whoever im with have the same result. my age just means that i can do it multiple times a day without hip aches, having a kid to pick up from school or having to pull out the KY cuz things are starting to get all sahara down south.

  26. Anonymous says:

    There is no is

  27. Anonymous says:

    Wow unbelievable,

    I am 28 and I gotta say anyone who is thinking 35 is old and undisirable has their head up their ass. Guys let me let you in on a little secret. The hot little 20 Y/O is just learning what an Orgasm is, where as a Woman in her 30′s knows not only what she likes but how to please a guy. So your choice, hot little (inexperienced) 20 y/o or very experienced woman….

  28. SexyCaliGuy says:

    Sometimes it’s tough to tell which replies are sarcastic and which aren’t – obviously, the ones with my comments rearranged to form insults hurled back at me aren’t, nor are the ones calling me a douchebag – but if you’re being sincere, I appreciate it.

  29. Anonymous says:

    I’m a fan of people acting their age…women or men.

    just saying.

  30. SexyCaliGuy says:

    Sorry guys… after re-reading them, I realize that my comments could be interpreted as being pretentious, which isn’t what I intended. When I was reading this, something just struck me in the moment and when I posted my comment, I didn’t really consider how I was coming across. I picked this nickname as kind of a fun thing, not to piss everyone off… my bad.

  31. Scott says:

    I take the opposite approach and target cougar bars. Much more fun…

  32. Anonymous says:


  33. Ookla the Mok says:

    Make sure your decks are ramped properly. In other words, an even spread of casting costs from one to four. Casting costs higher than that should be limited to very few (six-ish). You will want to run with %35 to %40 lands and probably no less than 18 creatures. All of this is subjective to what your design goal is. The above percentages may not jive well with your idea. If that’s the case, you gotta do something about it. Nobody will do it for you.

  34. bonita_mamacita says:

    Hell yes cali guy, I am 34 and couldnt agree more, u know your women dammit! I’m not sure what the ladies in the bar were thinking, that is pretty sad. I just call my girlfriend up if I want to make out, to hell with standing in a bar full of punks for hours.

  35. Anonymous says:

    I hate you. Get your head out of your ass.

  36. anony-mouse says:

    *A-class douche alert**

  37. SexyCaliGuy says:

    I’m blown away by your acute skills of reasoning, not to mention how well you can type. Very mature of you.

  38. SexyCaliGuy says:

    Yea boy, you sure told me.

  39. Anonymous says:

    yo are u the same sexicaliguy i face fucked the other night? if so your a fag for taken my dick so well

  40. yaomingcousin says:

    Dude, your username is SexyCaliGuy and you’re talking about pretending to be cocky. That is all.

  41. anony-nony-nony says:

    I agree. This is textbook douchebag behavior. Although I suspect he is a she trying to lead by example. Any turd that follows her lead will end up metrosexual or merely gay.

  42. Alex says:

    Right before you do them “in the butt” Leon Phelps lol

  43. Anonymous says:

    tell me sexyladiesman, when do i offer them the Courvoisier?

  44. SexyCaliGuy says:

    Sorry fellas. My intention when I picked this nickname was for it to be a fun thing, not to piss everyone off… but now I realize that my comments could be interpreted as pretentious, which isn’t the way I intended them. Something just struck me in the moment when I was reading this and when I posted my comment, I didn’t really consider how I was coming across. My bad.

  45. Anonymous says:

    Come on man. there are much better bars in San Diego than beachcomber.

  46. justin says:
    I fully agree, but at the time, it seemed like a decent place to get hammered.
  47. Jason says:

    Hey fags, I goto that place at least twice a month. It’s always full of old chicks, and old dudes for that matter – http://www.break.com/usercontent/2008/7/Techno-Vikings-Father-540689.html

    Drop me a line next time you’re in my neck of the woods.

    -Jason from RM.

  48. booobies! says:

    Weird, everyone in SD knows that most of the quality cougars tend to gravitate around Jacks in La Jolla. Mission Beach is strictly coed territory most of the time.

  49. Anonymous says:

    if I’m going cougar hunting I go straight to the den. Shout House baby! nothing but 40+ year old women in there getting drunk off their asses.

  50. anon, biatch. says:

    Pix or it didn’t happen.
    I believe you’ve been on the internet before. You should know this rule.

  51. Bob's Ballsaque says:

    because he is gay obviously. He would rather spend his time creeping on the cougs than hitting up the much hotter 20-some yr olds.

  52. Anonymous says:

    dude why didnt u hit? You could have had a 3 some.

  53. Anonymous says:

    even they don’t dig balding guys in wool caps

  54. Anonymous says:

    Aye Aye and 30 year old women know how and like ot fuck

  55. sPeLLcHeCkEr says:

    or rather, a 33-35 some. not cool, unless you’re at least 60.

    btw, paragraph one:
    “pull my t-shirt *past* my penis”

  56. Anonymous says:

    wow i love how you young guys think you are just the hottest things around….i’ll be laughing when you get a bit older and realise “gee – we were actually douchebags when we were under 30″
    At least what you don’t know can’t hurt you.

  57. SexyCaliGuy says:

    Most guys under the age of 30 seem to think that they have it all figured out, and then when they hit 30, all of a sudden women are MORE interested in them. Fellas – it’s because when you’re in your 20′s, all the women your age have you beat by a mile when it comes to knowing wtf is up (i.e., maturity) and you’re not actually attractive to them until you get a little bit older and pull your head out of your ass. Pretending to be cocky doesn’t make you look confident, it just makes you look like an asshole.

    Just trying to help out my fellow man. Ladies, you can thank me later.

  58. Anonymous says:

    I would have given them some attention and then taken both home with me. MILFx2

  59. Scot says:

    This would have been hilarious if it didn’t make my skin crawl a little bit.

    But really, what else are they supposed to do? They probably had dudes SLAVERING over them when they were 25 (shit, maybe even 15). What possible reason did they have to think that would ever go away? And hey, in the end it worked…

  60. T BONE says:

    i was thinkin he was gonna end up scoring a three way too lol

  61. olderty says:

    who? these queers?

  62. justin says:
    beachcomber, in mission beach san diego
  63. AnonymousG says:

    bar name & location plox?