I was recently at a bar on a Saturday night, and there were these two women in the corner, they were probably 33-35 years old, and they were standing in the corner, waiting for guys to come up and talk to them. I know this because they were dressed like I was, the time I was six and and shit my pants in school, and thought I could just throw away my shorts and pull my t-shirt passed my penis. Except no one looked at them and said “We’re calling your mom, you need to go home.”
So, about two hours go past, and no one is talking to these ladies, because everyone in the bar is about 25 years old. People sort of reacted to them like you do when you’re in high school and you see your teacher in the grocery store. Just sort of give a quick nod, and then try to move past them. The thing was, you could tell that when these ladies were 25, they were probably really hot. They were still attractive, except they were in a bar full of attractive 25 year olds. And at 11 p.m., every guy in the bar still thinks “I don’t have to start hitting on those older chicks yet, I’m going to aim high first.” I like to call it "The Albert Pujols" theory: He won't swing at a bad pitch until he's got two strikes on him.
So, then the self esteem was starting to get low, you could smell it. They were standing in awkward positions, where their butts were sticking out like they were trying to air dry their assholes. Still, no one cared. They needed attention, and they needed it badly. And the number one way to get attention in a bar, if you’re two women, is to talk about making out. It’s the first thing every sorority girl learns. Possibly the only thing, I dunno.
So, sure enough, I’m standing somewhat near them, busily not getting laid, and I hear one of them say loudly to the other one “We should just make out. I would totally make out with you.” Let me describe the reaction of the six or seven dudes around them, by saying it was as if she had said “Hey, I have upper deck level tickets to Kansas City Royals game.” Meaning one dude sort of looked over at them, thought about it for a second, then looked away. Everyone else didn’t even turn around. Then it became uncomfortable. One of them turns to this group of guys behind them and goes “My friend just dared me to make out with her, and I’m like so embarrassed.”
At this point, the only way the situation could have gotten anymore awkward, is if I had been losing my virginity right next to them. The dudes they said that to were like “great,” and then just turned back around. Flash forward to about 1:15, and a couple WAAAASTED dudes come up and start talking to the 35 year old chicks, and within about four minutes, are making out with them, and within about another four minutes, they’re all outside in a cab together.
So what can we learn from this? It doesn’t matter that you used to be hot. You have to evolve into your new, less hot, body. And there’s nothing you can do that’s going to get you back to the point where you used to be young and hot and everyone paid attention to you. So maybe that means hanging out with dudes your age and enjoying their company, because the bottom line is this: You're 33 now. No one gives a shit anymore if you and your friend want to make out.
33? Are you fucking serious? The author of this article must be 12. At 33, women are still looking fantastic as far as I can tell. Maybe you were in a fucking drag bar, or maybe you're just a fucking witless little idiot. Jesus Christ. Nobody sees a problem with this dude acting like two 33 women who " were still attractive" are senior fucking citizens. I'd have fucked them both, while you tried to get digits from that bar skank with the tube top.
I am 28 and I gotta say anyone who is thinking 35 is old and undisirable has their head up their ass. Guys let me let you in on a little secret. The hot little 20 Y/O is just learning what an Orgasm is, where as a Woman in her 30's knows not only what she likes but how to please a guy. So your choice, hot little (inexperienced) 20 y/o or very experienced woman....
as a "hot little 20 y/o" (cuz year-old takes much longer to type) i resent this statement. i know damn well how to get off and how to make whoever im with have the same result. my age just means that i can do it multiple times a day without hip aches, having a kid to pick up from school or having to pull out the KY cuz things are starting to get all sahara down south.
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
April 16th, 2009 at 01:59 pm
i have never heard anybody say that ever. Also two Royals jabs in the last week. The pirates suck too.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Rough crowd down here
April 16th, 2009 at 02:51 pm
Come on, guys. A little less discrimination. Who here wouldn't bang Helen Mirren???
April 16th, 2009 at 03:39 pm
I take the opposite approach and target cougar bars. Much more fun...
April 18th, 2009 at 08:36 pm
"Passed your penis." How about "past." Is there an Editor here anywhere?
April 23rd, 2009 at 02:42 pm
33? Are you fucking serious? The author of this article must be 12. At 33, women are still looking fantastic as far as I can tell. Maybe you were in a fucking drag bar, or maybe you're just a fucking witless little idiot. Jesus Christ. Nobody sees a problem with this dude acting like two 33 women who " were still attractive" are senior fucking citizens. I'd have fucked them both, while you tried to get digits from that bar skank with the tube top.
April 25th, 2009 at 01:27 am
This guy must be gay.A 35y/o woman thats hot is much better then a 25 y/o slut.
May 6th, 2009 at 09:15 am
Wow unbelievable,
I am 28 and I gotta say anyone who is thinking 35 is old and undisirable has their head up their ass. Guys let me let you in on a little secret. The hot little 20 Y/O is just learning what an Orgasm is, where as a Woman in her 30's knows not only what she likes but how to please a guy. So your choice, hot little (inexperienced) 20 y/o or very experienced woman....
May 19th, 2009 at 02:58 pm
Bitter lately?
June 12th, 2009 at 11:27 am
as a "hot little 20 y/o" (cuz year-old takes much longer to type) i resent this statement. i know damn well how to get off and how to make whoever im with have the same result. my age just means that i can do it multiple times a day without hip aches, having a kid to pick up from school or having to pull out the KY cuz things are starting to get all sahara down south.
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